It’s this week: The moment you have waited for, when you will both cross that big stage.
You have worked towards this goal for so many years.
You’ve planned your dresses, and your nails.
You told me you’d ditch out awhile with your friends after they’ve called all your names
because you want to take photos for Instagram of you all in your gowns.
“Graduated! The world awaits.”
I made you both promise to find me, though.
“Don’t forget about me.”
I always want the pictures you roll your eyes over, you know.
One day you will understand that every one of your big moments is also a big moment for me.
You see, as you are walking forward,
I am forever looking back on Halloweens and Christmases,
puddles, flowers, and sand.
While you’re dreaming of moving out, and starting your own life,
I’m wondering how we got here so fast,
and feeling like it was just yesterday I rocked you in the dark of night.
I’m thinking what a privilege it’s been getting to be the one you ran to when you skinned your knee, or when a friendship failed, or you first felt unrequited love.
I’m watching a thing I’ve pictured from the moment you both were born.
Even if my seat is far away, I will recognize you easily from afar
just by the way you walk, or turn your head, and in my mind I’ll be remembering bubble baths, and sparkly Tooth Fairy bucks,
“Inside voices! Oh my gosh! You’re being way too loud!”
Teenage cheers will break my thoughts of toddler giggles, and I’ll locate you once again.
I will be holding my breath, taking it all in, watching, watching. There you are!
You could never just blend in.
As you sit laughing with your friends, excitedly facing all that will come
I will be in the audience holding every single moment that formed our life tightly in my heart.
I will think of the fears and failures that made you hesitant.
I will think of the times you conquered them, and how we both rejoiced.
I will think of times we lay on my bed and used up all the words.
I will think of times you made me laugh:
Every detail of our world.
Where you see just a ceremony now,
I see a symbol of all it took to form this version of you;
Every tear cried, every hardship, every prayer offered.
Know that while you are watching your turn approach,
I am watching mine feel further gone.
I ran the race.
I fought the fight.
Mothering you is all I ever wanted,
but time keeps moving on.
My pride in you is endless;
You, my beautiful girls.
My thoughts of you are a tapestry of feelings and emotions;
Because, what you don’t know is that for every time you pushed me away,
and what I had to offer was not enough,
Inside me grew another flower to add to the Bouquet of Motherhood.
One flower for beauty,
One flower for pain,
One flower for sacrifice,
One flower for trusting you again.
One flower for loss of sleep,
One flower for courage,
One flower for always staying in the fight,
One flower for worry,
One for grief,
And a big one for delight;
And every day of your life, I have gathered these flowers, and placed them in a vase for you to see so that, in the same way I see you in the crowd,
one day you will see me.
The bouquet I hand you each today stands for a hundred parts of me that I have clutched and rearranged every single day to bring you joy, and to cheer you up.
I pray – just like in you – the beauty in that is clear to see.
I pray you know that, from this day, as you build an amazing life for yourself,
there was always a mother with her eyes on you,
watching for you, ready to cheer, on the edge of her seat;
And today, as you graduate, the flowers I give stand for more than just an average bouquet.
You stand for every dream I ever had,
and these flowers stand for how I have and will always hand you every part of me.
Mom Outnumbered
Hi! My name is Kerri Green; Wife to Justin, and mother to four highly entertaining daughters -Alena, Chloe, Tessa, and Paige. I am an artist, a writer, a daycare provider, a lover of people, a believer that there is humor and beauty in all things, and the author of Mom Outnumbered; a blog about real family life, and my observations of it. My goal is to make people laugh, to be there for them when they cry, and most importantly, to let them know that they are not at all alone in this up and down world. I live with my family in Sebastopol California, and I am opening the window into our life. So welcome! Come in. Sit down. Just please don’t mind the mysterious wet spots.
