It used to not matter as much, back when they shared a dresser.
They would just wear whatever shirt their hand landed on when they reached in.
We all used to comment on how nice it was that they wore the same size,
because, even though my two middle daughters were almost 2 years apart,
they grew up looking like twins.
Now that they are almost 18 and 19, however, there is a little less glee in sharing things like that for them. Whether it’s OK seems to be as fickle as the weather.
Whether it’s a peaceful Sisters-T-Shirt-Wearing Day or a Cat-Fight-in-the-Hallway Day, none of us can always immediately tell.
Yesterday, one of the two found one of her shirts in her sister’s hamper that she had taken without asking, and came storming in to tell me, wearing just a towel.
Her frustration was justified.
She had expressed herself to her sister many times, and did not want to have to do it yet again.
After she had gone to her room in a huff, shirt in question in her white-knuckle hand,
I stood in the bathroom contemplating the years of conflict resolution between them as I curled my hair.
These two, born so close, and who look so alike, could not possibly be any more different.
One, for constant adventure. She throws all caution to the wind.
She is stunningly beautiful, and gets lots of attention all the time, but inside she has always wanted the peace it seems to her that her sister has.
Her sister who is more reserved.
Her sister who has had the same boyfriend for four solid years.
She was on the honor roll, and is applauded by her professors.
She makes it seem like things are easy.
What is easy is being jealous of that.
As their mother, I have spent my life studying them, constantly taking them in, so that I could help them untangle themselves when they need me to help them.
The heavy footsteps marching down my hall had made me realize yesterday was one of those days.
I called the wronged daughter into my room.
“You’re not in trouble. I just want to talk to you about something.”
She settled, looking cautious. I could tell she was wondering what was about to be said.
I just smiled at her gently, and breathed for a minute.
First I addressed that she had every right to be upset.
She has a right to her own things and her own space.
I did not add a “but.”
I just let her know that sometimes frustration exists rightfully, and this time she definitely had a right to feel it, but then I got to the heart of why I’d called her in:
“Something I have always seen in you is that you have the ability to feel and see things intricately.
What your sister sees sometimes as ‘no big deal’ often impacts you much more deeply.
From the time you were small, you have always been so advanced emotionally.
I can remember taking you on a walk once when you were maybe 8-years-old, and I’ll never forget that, as we sat in the park grass, you started talking to me about things that shocked me for someone so young.
It was so impactful, that I went home and told your Dad and Grandma, and even wrote about it.
For those of us who see the world like that, it is a true gift.
We are given the ability to see things at more than surface level.
It helps us make choices, and see people and situations differently than we maybe would have.
With this gift comes a great responsibility, though, to act wisely with that deeper information.
What, to others, might just seem like a crossed boundary suddenly gets examined as a layer of actions the one who wronged us took because of something deeper, under the surface.
I think this is exactly that kind of situation.
Your sister sees you as one who has life easy, is effortlessly beautiful and well-liked, who always makes the good choices, and she knows she doesn’t always make them.
Inside, she wants to be that girl;
The one who seemingly doesn’t have the same weight on her head.
One of the biggest hopes I have for you as you grow is that you will recognize the power you have in yourself.
You were born with talent, intelligence, and beauty anyone would want a piece of,
And I hope you learn to truly recognize that.
I hope that, as you grow, you cultivate all the best parts of you to become the ultimate version of yourself,
and one of those things I hope you can cultivate is that power to see deeper, that you have always had inside of you, because that will result in the most beautiful characteristics of
Grace and Forgiveness.
All through life, people will make us upset for all kinds of reasons:
Neglect, not being thoughtful to us, jealousy, bitterness,But when you have the gift of seeing deeply, and you choose to use it, you will know there are so many important layers to a person, and what brought them to where they stand.
I just wanted to call on that part of you today,
and to encourage you to remember the power you have always had.
After all, the power to forgive someone who hurt us is about keeping emotional control.
It is about keeping the reins of our own emotions in our own hands.”
Tears dripped off her face because she understood me.
Of course she did.
She thanked me for seeing who she is, and who she tries to be, even though she fails at times.
I told her I believed in her so much, and that I am always so in awe of who she is.
By the end of the day, she had gone through her drawers, and taken her sister an entire bag.
They weren’t fighting.
They weren’t upset.
There were no more heavy footsteps.
I always try to turn lessons into opportunities to call to their best nature.
I hope as they grow they see it as my way of letting them know I saw them.
I had watched them, and taken notes from way back when they were sharing a dresser,
learning about all the things that made up who they were,
and why things mattered or didn’t matter to them.
If you have the power to see beneath the surface of a person, I highly suggest using it.
I find, so often, there are hurts, fears, and failures people don’t speak of,
and all it will take is hearing, “I see who you are,” to free them;
And, once we set someone free,
we also have more room to stretch our own wings, to then see how high we can go,
because freeing someone else with forgiveness is really just us freeing ourselves.
Mom Outnumbered
Hi! My name is Kerri Green; Wife to Justin, and mother to four highly entertaining daughters -Alena, Chloe, Tessa, and Paige. I am an artist, a writer, a daycare provider, a lover of people, a believer that there is humor and beauty in all things, and the author of Mom Outnumbered; a blog about real family life, and my observations of it. My goal is to make people laugh, to be there for them when they cry, and most importantly, to let them know that they are not at all alone in this up and down world. I live with my family in Sebastopol California, and I am opening the window into our life. So welcome! Come in. Sit down. Just please don’t mind the mysterious wet spots.
