I was with my sister recently, and she reminded me it was the anniversary of the day I fell through her back deck. Yes, I went right through and was totally caught off guard. It was shocking, to say the least.
Here’s the setup: I was staying with my sister for a night in Louisville for a meeting I had the next day. Louisville is a two-and-a-half-hour drive for me. My meeting was early, so I went to see my sis and crashed at her pad the night before to make the meeting.
She had a date that night. So, I was going to be on my own. No problem. This is what DoorDash and comfy pajamas were made for. All my sister asked was that I go outside and make sure her two dogs did their business before I went to bed. I’m a dog person. I had this.
Here is what my sister failed to disclose: There were several rotten boards on her back deck that were scheduled to be replaced in the next couple of weeks.
Well, guess who stepped directly on one of those rotted boards? Yes, that would be me.
I went down hard and fast. The entirety of my right leg went through the deck. My left leg buckled up underneath me, and I came down hard, knocking the wind out of myself. Folks, I could not breathe.
It all happened so fucking fast. It took me a minute to process what had just gone down. When I finally got air back in my lungs, I managed to let go with a simple, but exasperated, “God dammit.” I did not cry. For the record, this intense spill totally warranted tears. Apparently, I’m tough as shit. Yay, me.
Make no mistake, it hurt, but this was all the profanity I could muster at the time. Never mind, Mollie, her poodle, looking at me like, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Seriously, Mollie was up in my face with a look that said, “Why aren’t you watching me pee?”
I went to the deck railing to lean on and watched the dogs do their damn business, which is apparently part of their nightly ritual. Lord help all of us weird pet owners.
When I finally made it back into the house, I surveyed the damage. The good news was that I did not rip or tear my favorite pair of Soma pajamas. If you know, you know, folks. I did have some massive splinters in my leg, which I had to pluck out. I was also bleeding slightly in several locations.
I then, for God knows what reason, texted my sister asking for the location of peroxide and Band-Aids in her home. Of course, she asked what happened, and I told her I fell through her fucking deck.
Her response, “Oh yeah, there are some bad boards, but no one walks there.” Well, I fucking did!
This is where I knew things were going to take a bad turn. You see, my sister has cameras all over her fucking house to monitor the dogs whilst she is away. I was relatively certain she had caught my spill on film.
Sure enough, the next text that came to me said, “I’m laughing so hard I may pee my pants.” Compassion, y’all. Nothing makes my sister happier or laugh harder than seeing someone fall. This is her jam. Seeing me on video plummet through her deck was like a gift from the gods. She was in hysterics with her date.
As I said, more than a year has passed since the fall, and I still have a bruise on my knee from it. It may never go away. I’m old, and I easily mark.
While I appreciate my sister’s hospitality and letting me crash there, it was not a five-star lodging experience.
When I went to my meeting the next day, I was limping and sore AF. A fifty-plus-year-old body is not meant to bend that way.
I will say this, however. I’m still wearing those Soma pajamas, and nothing was broken. The dogs did their business. I made it to my meeting the next day—even if it was with a limp.
I know that video will live on forever, but dammit, I didn’t cry, and I got the job done!
Angela Traver
What is this blog about? Well, it's a general blog, but it is also a very specific blog. If you get that reference, you get a gold star! I have been a public relations professional and writer of press releases for more than 20 years—primarily in the booze biz. I decided to do some writing for fun and embrace the humor that gets me through most days. Hopefully it will make you chuckle—or at least smile. I’m a certified crazy magnet, and more than a little nutty myself, so buckle up. Also, I have two vices—profanity and red wine/whiskey. You’ve been warned. It should also be noted, that I’m a HUGE Bob & Sheri fan. I’ve been a listener for more than 20 years. This opportunity is a dream come true and it may have made me cry. That being said, I cry at everything. If you are into booze, dogs, food and/or knitting, hit me up on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter (although I’m terrible at Twitter and it scares me) @kyspiritsgal. You can also find all my previous blog posts at www.kyspiritsgal.com.
