In August, there was so much excitement surrounding move-in day. Of course, I was emotional, but fall break is different. It feels worse.
I thought the hardest goodbye would be in August. You know, the one where you pack up 18 years of your child’s life into an SUV, drive to a college campus, spend hours making a dorm room look like something straight out of Pinterest or Pottery Barn, and then somehow manage to walk away without falling apart. That goodbye, every parent warns you about, the one you spend the entire summer dreading, the one you know is coming but still can’t prepare yourself for.
Well, apparently, nobody thought to mention that saying goodbye after fall break might be even harder.
Seriously, why didn’t anyone warn me about this part?
In August, there was so much excitement surrounding move-in day. New beginnings, new friends, new experiences, and a new chapter of her life. Of course, I was emotional, but I was also excited for her. We had spent months preparing for this, buying everything she could possibly need, talking about classes/schedule, sororities, football games, and all the experiences waiting for her. There was something about all that anticipation that made the goodbye a little tiny bit easier to process, even if I did spend the drive home wondering how 18 years had gone by so quickly and felt down for longer than I thought I would.
BUUUTTTTTT, ummm excuse me?!?! What is this???? Fall break is different.
Now I know what her life looks like when she’s away. I know about the late nights, the academic pressure, the social life, the stories she shares that make me laugh and occasionally wonder whether I really want to know everything. I know she’s making new friends, becoming more independent, and building a life that doesn’t revolve around our family calendar anymore. I can see how much she’s grown in just a couple of months, and I couldn’t be prouder of the young woman she’s becoming.
I love seeing her thrive, I love hearing about her friends, her classes, the football games, and all the little things that make up her days. I love that she’s happy and that college is becoming her own little world. This is exactly what I wanted for her, and watching her step into this next chapter has been one of the most rewarding parts of motherhood.
Yet, somehow, knowing all of that doesn’t make saying see you at Thanksgiving any easier.
Having her home again felt so good. The house felt different, our family felt complete, and for a few days, I got to pretend that everything was back to normal. I loved hearing her voice in the house, having her send me her grocery list, having conversations that weren’t squeezed into phone calls or Facetime, and knowing she was sleeping in her own bed. Even the everyday things that I probably took for granted before August felt special.
Then, just like that, it was time for her to leave again.
The August goodbye was filled with anticipation and excitement about everything ahead of her. This goodbye comes with a little more reality. With this goodbye, I know she’s going back to a dorm room with mold, Yes, you read that right!! Which is something I never imagined would be on my list of college mom worries. And at least I guess she hasn’t seen a coach roach or bed bugs yet, like I have heard some other moms say their kids have.
This time I know she’s heading back into a demanding academic schedule, with papers, exams, and the pressure of end-of-semester finals coming up. I also know there will be late nights, early mornings, and plenty of decisions she’ll have to make without us there to guide her.
Of course, I gave her my usual mom spiel of reminders about making good choices, taking care of herself, getting enough sleep, and remembering that she can call us anytime, blah, blah, blah….. I’m sure she loved hearing all of that again.
There’s also this part I keep thinking about and it’s really bothering me.
We won’t be with her on her birthday.
I know that sounds really really silly to some people, especially parents whose kids have been away at college for years, or that are even married with their own family, but this one is really getting to me. For 18 years, I’ve been there for every birthday. Every cake, every candle, every celebration, every birthday morning doing my special traditions I have done since they were little maybe toddlers. I’ve watched her wake up excited to see what the day would bring, and I’ve loved making those days special for her.
This year, she’ll be celebrating without us.
Of course, I want her to have the best birthday. I want her to celebrate with her friends, make memories, and enjoy every minute of it. I know birthdays at college can be fun, and I hope hers is exactly that. Still, there’s this strange, uncomfortable feeling that comes with realizing you won’t be there for something you’ve been part of her entire life.
It’s one of those things when you realize that motherhood is changing again, whether you’re ready for it or not.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how nobody really prepares you for the smaller goodbyes after the big one. We talk non-stop about college move-in day, the empty nest, and the emotional drive home. There are articles, videos, and entire social media accounts dedicated to preparing parents for that first goodbye. What we don’t talk about enough is what happens when they come home, fill the house with their energy again, and then leave.
You get a little taste of the life you used to have, and suddenly you remember how much you miss it.
There’s so much beauty in that, even when it feels a little uncomfortable.
I’m also realizing that I can be genuinely happy for her and still feel sad when she leaves. I can love watching her become independent and still miss having her down the hall. I can be excited about everything she’s experiencing while wishing I could freeze time for just one more family dinner, one more coffee run, or one more ordinary afternoon together.
Both feelings can exist at the same time.
I don’t want her to feel guilty about leaving, and I don’t want her to spend her college years worrying about whether I’m sad at home ( my kids, hubby, and really most family and friends don’t read my stuff or listen to my podcast, so I don’t have to worry.) I want her to go out, have fun, work hard, make mistakes, learn from them, and experience everything these years have to offer. I want her to build a life she loves, even if that means I have to get used to being a little less involved in the everyday details.
That’s the whole point of raising them, isn’t it?
We spend years teaching our kids how to become independent, confident, capable human beings. We encourage them to explore the world, follow their dreams, and figure out who they are. Then they actually do it, and we’re standing in the driveway wondering why nobody mentioned how emotional this part would be.
I suppose this is another one of those motherhood lessons that you can only understand once you’re living it.
I’m sure I’ll get better at it, maybe by Thanksgiving, I’ll have this whole college mom thing figured out, although something tells me I’ll be writing another essay about how hard that goodbye is, too.
For now, I’m going to let myself miss her, look forward to our next visit, and remind myself that the fact that she’s so happy at college is something worth celebrating.
And to all the other college moms who thought August was going to be the hardest part, apparently, we have a few more see you soon to get through.
Why didn’t anyone tell us?
Nikki Lanigan
Nikki Lanigan is a yoga, HIIT, and Barre instructor, she is also a Holistic Health Coach through Institute of Integrative Nutrition. Nikki is trained in Yoga Shred, Yoga Psychology, meditation, chakra balancing, and EFT/Tapping. She has done trainings with Sadie Nardini and Ashley Turner. She got her 200 hour yoga teacher training in 2017 at the Carrie Treister School Of Yoga. Nikki takes a holistic view of health, helping her students and clients reach a place of self-love not just through movement, but with mindset and lifestyle guidance as well. Nikki is also show prep writer for The McVay Media Show Prep and host of the podcast Fit, Fun, and Frazzled. Connect with Nikki on Instagram. www.instagram.com/nikkilanigan.yogaandwellness www.instagram.com/fitfunandfrazzledpodcast
