My Grandfather, Mike “Skomie” Yokosuk, had a few colorful sayings that he used on a daily basis. “Put that in your pipe and smoke it,” “How ya like them green apples?” and my favorite, “That’s like takin’ sand to the beach!” However, the one that sticks out most to me, the one that was like a family mantra, “What happens between these walls, stays between these walls.”
We were never to discuss our private family life with anyone. This was partially because my Grandfather’s small bar was a mere front for how he made his real living as the town bookie. This wasn’t exactly a secret in Welch, WV, our small community nestled deep in the Appalachian Mountains, but we weren’t to talk about it openly. He owned a bar. That’s it, that’s all. We were never to speak of the large brown paper bags of money that sometimes sat in the corner of our kitchen, either money he had won or money he owed.
There was a level of criminality to my life from a young age. My grandfather was a bookie and played high-stakes, back room poker. My parents were pill hustlers. Secrets and lies became a way of life. And, that is hard way of life. You’re always guarded. You’re always broken. You’re always exhausted. Eventually, I got tired of being tired.
I try not to be ashamed of who I am or the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I am, of course. But, I try not to be. Therefore, I am going to strip down and share some of the secrets that have been burdening me for too long. It’s scary af, but I have a feeling I will be lighter after it is done.
- I puffed on my granddad’s cigar when I was little and truly thought that I was going to die.
- I used to cheat in “War”.
- I missed out on the gifted program by two points because I am really bad at puzzles.
- I can be incredibly vain and self-involved.
- I always have something to prove.
- I set incredibly high standards for myself. If I meet them, I can feel worthy and if I don’t I can feel validated in thinking that I am unworthy.
- I want to be a highly successful author.
- I am scared to death of being a highly successful author.
- I made out with my best friend’s boyfriend at a party. She was passed out upstairs.
- I have absolutely no rhythm.
- I am mean to my husband when he is sick and/or hurt. It is because it makes me feel way too exposed. I can’t even fathom a world without him in it.
- I love puns.
- I have never smoked a cigarette.
- I have only had sex with one person.
- Sometimes coffee, and not my friends and family, is the last thing I think about at night.
- I like Maroon 5.
- I talk a good game, but would be shit out of luck if I ever had to back it up.
- I watch pimple popping videos.
- I am terrified of rats.
- After watching my mom get arrested, police sirens still make me catch my breath.
- I never know when to shut up.
- There are times when I feel that I should be named “Petty LaBelle”.
- If we’re competing, I want to beat you.
- I like my kid, I don’t like kids.
- Disney cartoons stress me out.
- I spent a winter on the couch watching Gilmore Girls and crying.
- I adhere to a hierarchy to grief and I will drop you in hot minute if you get above your ranking.
- I want to take a nap every day.
- I have terrible nightmares.
- I judge people who don’t show up for funerals (especially if they use the term “it’s too hard on me).
- I waited over a year to watch the last episode of “Friday Night Lights” because I didn’t want it to be over.
- I want to feel loved and validated.
- I broke both of my arms when I was eight. I said that I fell off a grapevine, but I was showing off for some older kids and jumped when I was too high in the air.
- I try to save people…because I couldn’t save my mom and brother.
- Had I had a charmed life when I was younger, I would have been absolutely insufferable.
- When I say, “I’m fine”, I’m not.
- I don’t know why I have to relax my standards about how I want the house to look, rather than others raising theirs.
- The thought of not being around forever feels like a kick to the stomach.
- I hate magic.
- I think that my story is so much more interesting than “The Glass Castle”.
- One of my biggest fantasies is having a room at The Ritz all to myself for a weekend. All I want to do is order room service and watch TV in bed.
- I have a very soft and tender heart.
- I was once a registered Republican.
This article was written by a guest blogger. The opinions expressed here are those of the writer and do not reflect the opinions of Bob Lacey, Sheri Lynch or the Bob & Sheri show.
Soshally Awkward
Sosha Lewis is a writer whose work has been featured in The Washington Post, Huffington Post, MUTHA Magazine and The Charlotte Observer. She writes about her sometimes wild, sometimes hilarious, sometimes heartbreaking past filled with free-lunches, a grimy sports bar, a six foot tall Albino woman who tried to save her teenage soul, felonious, drug addicted parents, an imaginary friend named Blueberry and growing up nestled in the coal-dusted mountains of West Virginia.
