I am not trying to be a pessimist this year or anything,
but Justin doesn’t have the best track record with gifts.
On our very first anniversary,
I was fresh with the excitement and hope of a honeymooner as to what sparkly jewelry or keepsake item my new husband would gift me;
And what did he choose?
A lawn gnome.
A reclining gnome from Target
that we still have.
Gift giving has never been his thing,
and that’s fine.
It truly is most about the joy of the season.
I do say that with all of my heart.
I mean,
tonight my feet *may* feel like I need prosthetics after the 6 solid hours of shopping I did for everyone in the family in search of the perfect, most meaningful gifts for them;
and knowing him I’ll probably get something like an outdoor humidity meter,
but it’s fine.
It’s fine.
Today in Costco I heard him say behind me, “Wow! I bet you’d LOVE this!”
I turned around to see him holding an electronic foot file.
While I cannot lie and say that my elephant hide feet could not greatly benefit from an electronic foot file,
it is not the sort of thing one dreams of as a Christmas gift.
I’ve never seen that on the Hallmark Channel.
“Merry Christmas, Honey.
I got you something in an attempt to lessen your hideousness.
Feel free to keep it with you in your tower.”
Electronic foot files go in the category with things like wart remover,
or ear wax candles,
and if he puts any of these in my stocking you will see us on the news.
As part of my Mom Training,
I grew up with a mother who said,
“You don’t need to get me anything. Just being with you is enough,” every single year.
My mother said these very words to me just today, as a matter of fact.
But I like getting her things.
Gifting her gives me joy.
She sacrificed a whole lot for me,
and I know she, herself, knows the feeling of an ill-thought out gift.
She,
the confused recipient of a gun scope in one of her early married years.
A gun scope for a gun that she did not have.
Lucky for her, my dad just happened to have one!
There was the year when, at 14,
my grandma and aunt packed their gifts to me together and sent them along in the mail.
The brown UPS box sat under the tree for week suntil Christmas arrived.
When I finally opened it,
under the white twinkle lights,
I discovered every 14-year-old’s dream:
A wooden salad bowl with tongs, and container of mace.
I did not jingle all the way.
But the funny this is, in a lifetime of gifts, these are some of the ones I remember the most.
Those terrible seeming presents may have, in the end,
been the best ones after all;
because the laughter and stories they brought for years after are far better gifts than most of the things I even asked for.
In a Facebook post last year,
after thinking about this very thing,
I asked friends what their own worst gift was.
The answers to that question had me laughing for days.
Our stories creating a kind herd of white elephants.
Strong, funky, and wise.
So,
In honor of every time someone else got it hilariously wrong,
I’m asking you all again today:
What was the worst gift YOU ever received?
Let the legend of the worst gifts live on.
Mom Outnumbered
Hi! My name is Kerri Green; Wife to Justin, and mother to four highly entertaining daughters -Alena, Chloe, Tessa, and Paige. I am an artist, a writer, a daycare provider, a lover of people, a believer that there is humor and beauty in all things, and the author of Mom Outnumbered; a blog about real family life, and my observations of it. My goal is to make people laugh, to be there for them when they cry, and most importantly, to let them know that they are not at all alone in this up and down world. I live with my family in Sebastopol California, and I am opening the window into our life. So welcome! Come in. Sit down. Just please don’t mind the mysterious wet spots.
