I spent the first three decades of my life feeling unworthy of love and happiness. The why I felt this way is fairly obvious to even a lazy armchair psychologist. My parents, particularly my mom, didn’t “choose” me. It didn’t matter how good I was, I was never more important than the drugs that they were always seeking.
If you believe that you’re not worthy of your mother’s love, why would you be worthy of anyone else’s love? It is heart shattering and soul crushing.
And, of course, I had happy times and times where I felt loved. It was just that I could never settle into these feelings. I was certain that as soon as I cozied into them like a favorite quilt fresh from the dryer, that someone would come along and rip it from me and I would be left totally exposed and unprotected from the elements.
Therefore, anytime that I would feel too content, too peaceful, too safe – I would act a damn fool.
My foolishness mainly manifested in my friendships. If I felt myself getting too close to someone, I would inevitably sabotage the relationship. And, despite having a serious boyfriend (my now husband) since I was 18 years old, I didn’t think that my friends could love both a significant other and me. My fear of abandonment made me exhaustingly demanding.
After my daughter was born I felt a type of happiness that I didn’t know existed. It scared the everloving hell out of me. I was so certain that I was going to be punished for this kind of happiness that I slept with my hand on her chest for the first three months of her life just so I could feel the rise and fall of her tiny chest.
I would wake up in a panic, convinced that SIDS had slid in like a ninja and taken my daughter because I wasn’t worthy of her. Eventually, I realized that I was going to put myself in an early grave if I didn’t get myself in check.
I started making changes. I started doing the work. And, damn was it hard. However, I realized that I had been holding back so much; that I didn’t show my love in the big, open way that I felt it because it made me an easy mark to be reminded that I was actually not worthy.
Fear of being hurt was causing me to miss out on so much. Once I started this process I realized that I had lived through a childhood filled with poverty, abuse and addiction. I had watched my mom get arrested and then buried her and my little brother in a two year span.
It wasn’t always easy. I’ve had setbacks. One of the biggest ones was when my best friend, Abby, got married and moved away. I turned into that same trembling but trying to be tough little kid again. I convinced myself that when she was away from me, she’d realize that she didn’t really love me afterall. I tried to dismantle our friendship to prove myself right. I’m glad that she is tougher than me.
Once Abby and I adjusted and held onto each other, I relaxed. Well, I relaxed after I evaluated where all of my local friends were in their lives and determined that there was not a high likelihood of them leaving. However, that was before I joined a gym and made some of the best friends of my life.
When I joined a Crossfit gym it was simply to get my fat ass in shape. I figured that I would make some acquaintances, but I wasn’t even looking for deeper friendships. I was solid on that front.
However, I did.
Through our workouts together a mutual respect was born from shared suffering. It didn’t take long before we were grabbing beers after a Friday night workout or breakfast following a Sunday sweat session.
I ended up not just making friends but a family. These people are my trusted advisers and my loyal gatekeepers. They show up not just for the good times, but the times when I need their strong arms to lift off of my knees. They are the type of people that I wholly trust with that precious life that finally made me realize that I was, in fact, worthy of love and happiness.
And, now two of them are leaving. They are moving back to their home state. Although I know that 600 miles can’t break the bond that we have formed, I am going to miss the nearness of them. The comfort of them.
However, I am so happy that I learned to not start pushing them away when I heard that they were leaving, but rather pulled them in closer so that I could soak up all that they are to me.
I hope that they know that loving them has made every gruelling piece of self-reflection worth it. They are cold beers on a Friday night, perfect sunny days by the pool, the encouragement needed to finish just one more rep. They have chosen to be trusted and kind friends and coaches to my daughter. They are also some of the best trash-talkers in the business.
Thank you for reminding me to be me, and that I am worthy of love and happiness. Thank you for making the world, and specifically my world, a much more lovely place.
See you soon!
This article was written by a guest blogger. The opinions expressed here are those of the writer and do not reflect the opinions of Bob Lacey, Sheri Lynch or the Bob & Sheri show.
Soshally Awkward
Sosha Lewis is a writer whose work has been featured in The Washington Post, Huffington Post, MUTHA Magazine and The Charlotte Observer. She writes about her sometimes wild, sometimes hilarious, sometimes heartbreaking past filled with free-lunches, a grimy sports bar, a six foot tall Albino woman who tried to save her teenage soul, felonious, drug addicted parents, an imaginary friend named Blueberry and growing up nestled in the coal-dusted mountains of West Virginia.
