Wasn’t it just yesterday I was saying to a friend how happy I was that I hadn’t experienced my typical post-Christmas downward spiral where the world suddenly looks all gray, and sad, and everything feels wrong?
I had patted myself on the back for what was clearly excellent growth.
But, I must have just spoken too soon,
because then today came,
and I felt the familiar January gloom return.
My husband is back at work and our re-vamp of the bathroom never got done.
The girls are back to the marathon of school.
I have a massive to-do list, and now my mom, who had been here visiting, my best life-helper,
is gone.
Recognizing my true feelings, and what I actually felt capable of, I decided to cut back today’s to-do list some, and go easy on myself.
Wasn’t it supposed to be “New Year, New Me?”
I guess I wasn’t expecting to have to have grace for myself so soon.
A new year always feels like it requires more of a Do-It-All Boss Mom,
but the skies are grey,
and my body aches,
and there’s a heaviness that is mine to hold.
But, in a quiet moment, sitting in my favorite chair all alone, no sound but the mocking ticking of the clock in the room, I started thinking about what really IS the “Best Version of Me,”
and I realized it has nothing to do with my body,
or how organized my house is,
but rather, how I move in the world around me – The temperature of my soul.
The best version of me is one who learned the life lessons, and where their morals belong;
One who sees things for what they really are,
a woman weathered, and formed into a smoother shape by so many storms.
I have been many women in my lifetime:
College partier doing things I regret,
Terrified single mom, wife, daughter, loyal friend,
exhausted mother to multiple littles at once.
Why would this me want to be better than any of those me’s was?
Each one had their season and purpose:
All parts of a whole.
What if who I am today is always the best version of who I am,
because I am carrying with me all of the other versions of who I was once,
reserving all the best parts to use like key items in a knapsack for the quest that I’m on.
Maybe the best version of me is right here
on this overwhelming feeling day,
when the future is unsure;
Being mindful of my own feelings and thoughts,
mother to four extraordinary girls,
just sitting here, once again, making space for that still small voice inside me to be heard.
I don’t need to try to be her.
I AM her.
My Best Self –
Maybe through the grey, hard, and pressing things,
I was becoming her all along.
Mom Outnumbered
Hi! My name is Kerri Green; Wife to Justin, and mother to four highly entertaining daughters -Alena, Chloe, Tessa, and Paige. I am an artist, a writer, a daycare provider, a lover of people, a believer that there is humor and beauty in all things, and the author of Mom Outnumbered; a blog about real family life, and my observations of it. My goal is to make people laugh, to be there for them when they cry, and most importantly, to let them know that they are not at all alone in this up and down world. I live with my family in Sebastopol California, and I am opening the window into our life. So welcome! Come in. Sit down. Just please don’t mind the mysterious wet spots.
