I cleaned my daughter Tessa’s room for her today.
It’s something that always overwhelms her.
I made sure not to snoop or pry, as
it was not intended to be an invasion,
but it was meant as an act of love.
It’s easy to get on kids about the state of their room, but this week my heart had been softened to her inward battles.
I’d seen a look in her eyes that I recognized as being pressed in on.
They get overwhelmed and exhausted like us.
We butt heads a lot, this daughter and I.
She has always been the most fiery one.
Her eyes sparkle with challenge and adventure that can inspire, and also wear on me,
and she is determined not to change her shape based on anyone else’s opinion.
She will determine her own art, and passion.
She, alone, will present the final result.
I sprayed things, and wiped them down as I cleaned for her, and as I did I realized –
I don’t go into her room enough.
I pop my head in to ask her to do something for me, or to tell her the food is ready,
but the years of me being in there for long amounts of time with her were mostly behind us now.
It was her space to cultivate alone;
Her room,
Her place in the world.
Looking around at the items she has on display was like seeing through a window into her.
Anyone who says they don’t know who their daughter even IS anymore need only stand for a bit in the center of their room, open their eyes, and twirl.
I just turned like that in slow circles for awhile, taking in all the mosaic of pieces of her;
Movie stubs from every movie date,
pictures all over of her first love,
little decorations that remind me that she loves a good cottage feel,
a few last sprinkled remnants of a much smaller girl.
Most importantly I saw a girl just like I once was, and I remembered so much about when I was her;
I remembered the peace I needed when the waves tossed,
the space I dreamed of to spread my own wings and explore,
the faith I needed from the adults in my life in everything that I would become.
I felt more tied to my daughter today by looking at the space she’s created for herself, and by remembering I’m not there to always rearrange things;
By trying to really see her.
It does a mother good sometimes to put themself in their daughter’s place.
It wasn’t so long ago the mother was the girl.
Mom Outnumbered
Hi! My name is Kerri Green; Wife to Justin, and mother to four highly entertaining daughters -Alena, Chloe, Tessa, and Paige. I am an artist, a writer, a daycare provider, a lover of people, a believer that there is humor and beauty in all things, and the author of Mom Outnumbered; a blog about real family life, and my observations of it. My goal is to make people laugh, to be there for them when they cry, and most importantly, to let them know that they are not at all alone in this up and down world. I live with my family in Sebastopol California, and I am opening the window into our life. So welcome! Come in. Sit down. Just please don’t mind the mysterious wet spots.
