The One

My baby turned seven yesterday,
and seven feels extra old sounding when it’s the baby.
Seven feels less chubby-cheeked, and much more knock-kneed.
More grass-stained, and more wonky-toothed.

Mothers know there is just something about the baby,
when every finished phase aches a little more than it did before.

I was never in a hurry with this one;
Not to finish diapers, or bottles,
or having to wash her hair,
because I knew from raising my other three that when it’s gone it is gone,
and it’s always gone way too fast.

So fast.
Calendar day rhythm like a hummingbird’s wings.
So fast you can’t even count.

But count them, this day, I did;
As on that same exact day that my youngest turned seven,
I took my oldest, Alena, to her very first appointment to try on wedding dresses.
Her wedding comes in July.

We pulled into the parking lot of the Victorian house-turned-shop after a drive that had also felt far too short.
We took a selfie, and a few big breaths before going in –
Documentation of the last time we were us “before.”
Before the planning, and chaos.
Before she moved out forever.
Before she was no longer mine in the same way.

The ladies in the shop showed us to a lovely corner set with velvet couches and beautiful mirrors.
They showed us a pastry cart.
They offered a drink.
Soon we were met by Alena’s soon to be
Mother-In-Law, Sister-In-Law, and my own Personal Support Friend, Sandy –
(And Personal Support Friends don’t even have to wear vests!)

We chatted, and pulled dresses.
I watched my hands as they ran over fabric and beads.
I noticed the way they were aging,
and I thought about how surreal it felt to be searching for a dress for my daughter,
when it felt like I’d just found my own dress, with smoother hands,
really not so long ago.

The attendant called Alena back to start trying things on, and let us know that she would be right out,
but as she went, she looked over her shoulder and I caught the look in my daughters eyes that said she wanted me to come help her,
the way that I always had.
I followed her into the room.

It was hard as I watched her slipping into that first dress to not think about every other time I sat in a fitting room with her;
Helping her fasten and zip when her fingers could not yet on her own,
checking if jeans were too tight by yanking the waist,
evaluating, through eye-rolls, if a skirt was too short,
telling her just how lovely she was….

And then,
as I sat there contemplating her life,
and how she had truly made mine,
I saw it:
The look as that one final button was buttoned.
The look that said,

“This is the one.”

We walked out with her beaming to show the small, waiting crowd;
But it was like no one else was even in the room to me.
Time and sound stopped as she
turned with that smile….

I realized then that I was living one of the
milestone moments we moms of girls always dream of,
and let me tell you –
It is everything that they say it will be.

Every part of it will make you cry.
From the way the light hits them,
to the fact that you will know her so well that you will be able to tell by her face when her search has ended.
Every part of it was pure magic.

There is something to following behind your daughter in that dress,
being careful not to step on the back of her skirt –
Something I’d been careful of,
in a way,
all her life.

Follow close enough to catch, and lift up,
but never so close that I would stop her from being able to move forward.

I will never forget yesterday.
Not the sky,
or the sound of that wood floor under our feet.
Not the way that she looked at me for my reactions just like she had since the very first
“Mama! Mama! Watch;”
Or the way that I still saw,
standing there,
my little girl playing dress up as a stunning
Bride-to-Be.

My whole life as a mother passed through my mind in those hours.
Like a flip book from the start until now.
From seventh birthday parties, to Jr. High dances,
to next driving out of that parking lot with a wedding dress hanging behind me in my rear-view.

So much beauty I’ve treasured in my life now lays behind me;
But so much, yet,
left to step forward into.

I pray I look into whatever is in my future with the same excitement I saw in my daughter’s dancing eyes yesterday.

I pray that even if I’m scared to let go,
and to see what is coming next,
I can still be at peace because,
though we only get one life to live,
I am so very thankful this was
The One.

Mom Outnumbered

Hi! My name is Kerri Green; Wife to Justin, and mother to four highly entertaining daughters -Alena, Chloe, Tessa, and Paige. I am an artist, a writer, a daycare provider, a lover of people, a believer that there is humor and beauty in all things, and the author of Mom Outnumbered; a blog about real family life, and my observations of it. My goal is to make people laugh, to be there for them when they cry, and most importantly, to let them know that they are not at all alone in this up and down world. I live with my family in Sebastopol California, and I am opening the window into our life. So welcome! Come in. Sit down. Just please don’t mind the mysterious wet spots.