We saw Emmy Lou Harris perform a couple of weeks ago and she said that people ask her why she writes and sings so very many sad songs. She talked about what it is to be melancholy and how it’s not only natural but good to allow yourself to feel those feelings. I was struck by her honesty, and glad for it, because melancholy, like sadness and grief is a lonesome place. Melancholy can sometimes feel like sorrow in search of a reason – as though our emotions are debts, and our justifications the payment.
I’ve been struggling for months now with grief. My best friend died. It was six years ago, though we lost her sharp, witty, clever mind long before that to a rare brain disease called Frontal-Temporal Dementia. She was young when she first began showing symptoms, and so of course no one understood or could ever have guessed that her mystifying choices and behaviors were because she was desperately and terminally ill. That struggle, that excruciating journey towards a diagnosis is one I will spare you. It’s something her children and family endured for years without even a glimmer of hope.
My friend was ten years older than I am: ten years wiser, ten years more capable, ten years more experienced in every way that matters. Her kids grew up in my family, and my kids knew and loved her better than most of their blood relations. We used to joke about being crazy old ladies together in the home, me dressing stray cats in baby clothes and her spiking our afternoon apple juice with mini bottles of Jack. Of all the possible futures that we could imagine, none came close to the terrible and tragic reality of her passing.
Both of her children got married within weeks of each other late last year. I knew that those weddings would be joyful occasions marked by sorrow. And they were, and that’s okay. It’s possible to celebrate and also mourn because sometimes that’s how it is and to deny it serves only to delay it. We cried many kinds of tears on those wedding days, and we felt her all around us. Her daughter has married a kind and good man who I know will cherish her. Her son has married a deep, compassionate woman who will be his true partner in all things. My friend could not have chosen better for her children than they did for themselves. I know their happiness gives her peace.
And yet. This melancholy persists. I’ve spent whole days in bed, whole weekends drifting from one chore to the next, trying and failing to shake it off. Grief is like that. It’s not a linear thing, not a task to be completed. It follows its own schedule and rules and like a cat, insists on your attention for as long as it pleases regardless of how inconvenient the timing. I’m sharing all of this because I see your posts on social media, I bump into you at Target and the grocery store and it’s clear to me that you are struggling too. I see you trying to be positive and strong and get through the day as best you can. I see how confused you are by how you can’t seem to get past it, and how hard you’re working to not bring anyone else down. It’s just where we are now – up ahead it looks very different. Up ahead things look hopeful. We’ll see each other there too.
Oh girl do I hear THAT! I think I am a few years older, hitting 60 in May( how the hell did THAT happen), but my last 10 years have been marked with loss upon loss. From my parents, who I miss so much, to my 8yrs younger sister, a crazy older brother, my hubby who has descended abruptly into multiple sclerosis and facing my own and my peers aging….life sucks! But as I have kids, I cannot let the struggle take over my life. Count my blessings when I can and try and convey hope to others. So struggle we do!
So well articulated in so many ways. Thank you, Sheri, for totally accepting life as it has presented itself to you so that you could turn the lemons into a great lemonade stand – and not a nickle but free for the rest of us. Most folks won’t leave a comment but I am very sure that they relate well to this great note. Thank you from them, too. I have lost three close friends just since Christmas, seems like they usually come in threesies. The first had ovarian cancer and I have to tell you, she handled it for 4 years with pure joy of living every day, and even dying full of peace. I was totally transformed by it all. My older sister and I have totally opposite views of life’s true values. I am 66 and she is 73. As a way to crack her egg (open) before we age any longer, I wrote her this poem for her birthday last November. I think it may go well also with your letter so here it is:
We don’t choose to be born
We don’t choose the time or place
We don’t choose our clan
We don’t choose our time in this space.
The Gift of life is just that,
A Gift to use to explore and grow
So much to learn with passing time
So much that we will never know.
As we age we find the truth
In lessons from an honest heart
That in this space, our time on earth
Has been a Royal Gift from the start.
DAH 11/23/2019
Happy Birthday!
May this Day be a special Gift…
——————–Thank you so much and may your grief get more gentle with time, as it may. And thank you for your life that you are sharing with all your listeners. No wonder your mom named you Share(i).
OMW..thanks for sharing this. On September of 2018 we buried my brother in law and left the cemetery to get on a bus to Boston to be with our son and daughter in law who just lost our first grandson. We did know he had Anencephaly and would not be with us long, but there are no words to describe the feelings of watching your children go thru such a difficult time. You as a parent and grandparent to be feel nothing but mixed emotions running out of control. How hard it is to grieve and still be strong for them. Grief is difficult at best, but I did not know how different it can be each time or how when you think you have moved forward a few steps and it comes back and surprises you with another hit. Thanks for reminding us that others around us may be on this same path….and a smile or a kindness may help them thru another day.
Thank you so much for sharing, and I’m sorry for the loss of your dear friend. My best friend’s mom, and my “second” mom, passed away two years ago from Frontal-Temporal Dementia at the age of 65 after years of living with this horrible disease. My friend struggles every day trying to cope with the emptiness and sadness. It’s so difficult watching her try to navigate life with such profound loss, and knowing there is nothing I can do to lessen it or make her forget about it for one day. Life is short and fragile, and it makes me appreciate every day with my loved ones. And reminds me to smile at strangers and be kind.
Absolutely touching thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing your words. It’s such a weight to feel life be amazing yet a ball of terror in the same breath. It’s enough to make your chest hurt from the chaos. When I have faced obstacles, I make a point to sit in silence and look them in the eye, stare at the wall and breathe and shake hands with the fact that I have no freaking clue as to what’s next. And guess what? What’s next always comes no matter if I worry about it or wonder about it or not. Take some time today and seriously sit in silence. Light a candle and be at peace that the mystery outweighs our minds. Breathe in your friend’s laughter and joy and she’ll know it.
Love you, My Dear. You are a true inspiration. You wit and intelligence is remarkable. My life path is different from your but your depiction of the mood is spot on. We are all in this together. Side note: I so miss you guys on the Lima station but never fear!!! Podcasts keep me with you. ❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕
I am so so sorry for your loss. My Mother passed 3 years ago. She was a smoker till about 10 years before she passed. She had lung cancer for 8 years but what took her life was pneumonia and COPD. The week that she told me she was dying and was in the hospital was also when she told me we had both said all that needed to be said. That made me feel more peaceful until she passed. I have so much more I need to say to her. I felt I should not feel as sad as I am at times, but that is still part of the way life works. God bless you and all.
Thank you is all I can say. Thank you sweet-hearted lady. Your words of compassion have touched me deeply. God bless you as we move forward!
Sheri, so well said, the feelings we all feel. In particular, as we age, the loss of parents, friends and sometimes our children. And there are those that make us feel guilty for feeling our feelings. It will be four years the 23rd of February that I loss my mother. Yes, she lived a long life and a good life with dad for fifty years but it doesn’t make it any easier. I was her caregiver for the last two years, which seem to make it more intense. It was an honor. Thank you again for these beautifully written words. I’m sorry for the loss of your friend, but you have let us know we do nothing wrong by feeling melancholy.
Sheri, I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. Death is such a hard part of life.
I lost my husband to a very rare disease ( AL Amyloidosis) a year ago. He was the healthiest person…that guy that only drank water. Yes, it sucks big time. I know what you mean when you are at an event, like the wedding, and you are experiencing both emotions. I felt like the grief came in on waves, like a roller coaster. I chose to get on, because I knew if I didn’t, it would be worse next time around. When I got on the roller coaster, the rides got shorter. They still come around, but I look at it like he’s still with me, and it’s ok to have that feeling, but I knew I couldn’t dwell on it. I take one day at a time and love the ones I have with me. You don’t get over it, you get through it…
Dear Sheri, I remember hearing about your friend long ago. It’s heartbreaking and awful.
I still regret not coming up to meet you and Bob when you were in Ottawa Illinois years ago, because I love your show and all of you on set.
In November this year, Black Friday to be exact…lost my father in law. He’d had that title for over 35 years. Then Xmas eve I lost my mom who I wasn’t able to see since March because of covid. She was in the nursing home. I got tO see her once after going 2x a week for well over a year. Now, on Wednesday my dad passed away, on his terms at home, but I rarely visited and was to go Wed after work because My sister said on Monday he was failing but no one thought it would be that quick. Was going to say goodbye.
Nov , Dec. and now January. His wake is tomorrow. I was to over one death when another occurred. 🙁 lets starlet ( and heal) together, if that’s possible.
Thanks for being you Sheri:)
*struggle not starlet
*not over, not to over.
Sorry
Just had a chance to read your January newsletter. I’m so sorry about the loss of your best friend. Best friends are hard to come by…..But also thank you for acknowledging what many have felt. Although I know it will get better, it is a struggle at times. I have listened to the show for MANY years and love it as much now as I did when I first found ya’ll. It’s great to know we are all getting through this life in its’ various stages together! Can’t wait to get to the other side of Covid melancholy…..and maybe one day I will get to meet you and all the rest of the Bob and Sheri team. Keep on writing!!
Denise