Not Your Average Granny

My husband often reminisces about how sweet his Granny was. He will say things like, “She would have done anything for you,” or “She never had a bad word to say.” I loved my Granny dearly and we were tight AF, but this was not my experience. My Granny was kind of mean. When I think about it, I smile.

First of all, it should be noted my Granny loved me with her whole heart. She would have done anything for me, but she drew the line shortly after that. The line may have actually been drawn with my sister, Jaime. Those two went after each other like honey badgers as long as I can remember. They were oil and water. Never has an old person fought so much with a child.

One of my husband’s all-time favorite stories is when my mom, sister and I were getting ready to visit my grandparents for the weekend and Jaime, who was about four years-old at the time, asked my mom, “Why do we always have to go visit that mean old lady?” Jaime was horrified to learn that the mean old lady was our mom’s mother.

Granny was not afraid to cuss. I may have gotten my mouth from her. If you pissed her off, she would let you know it and the language was probably not going to be polite. While her mouth was sassy, I had never known her to use an F-bomb. Well, never until I acquired an unfortunate perm in eighth grade. Upon arriving at her house with said perm, she took one look at me and said, “Well, you really fucked up your hair.” She was not wrong, but I was shocked. I immediately ran outside to tell my cousin, Joe. He laughed and agreed with Granny’s assessment of my hair. In my defense, the 80s were a tough time for fashion. I was trying to offset the braces and Sally Jessy Raphael glasses with the perm. It was obviously a misguided effort.

Granny was just perpetually annoyed with something. She had very little time for nonsense. I don’t ever recall her using it, but she kept a wooden paddle to spank us grandkids on her kitchen counter. On this paddle the names of all the grandkids were written in the order of who was most likely to need a good spanking. I was least likely to need it, of course. I can’t remember for certain, but I suspect Jaime was the most likely to need a beating in my Granny’s eyes.

Granny’s reputation preceded her around town as well. She loved to bargain and was so tough and stubborn that she never paid full price for anything. Whether at a yard sale or at Walmart, Granny believed all prices were up for negotiation. Yes, you read that correctly. Recently my cousin, Joe, told me about how Granny successfully talked the people at Walmart down on their prices. People knew not to fuck with Dot Thomas.

I’m a lot like my Granny in many ways, but I’m rarely mean and I couldn’t bargain my way out of a paper bag if my life depended on it. I hate confrontation and my Granny lived for it. Confrontation was Granny’s sport and she was a gold medalist. I marvel at this. Granny was ready to kick someone’s ass 24/7. I’m just glad it was never mine.

I miss my Granny every day. She may have been mean as a snake, but she also loved me with that ferocity. If you ever caught her in a good mood, she had a wicked and somewhat snarky sense of humor. Snarky is my favorite. Some of my most treasured memories involve my Granny. She had a tough life, but she never stopped fighting. My Granny was one of a kind. She may not have taught me how to sew or can vegetables, but I like to think she gave me a little of her sass. For that, I am grateful.

Angela Traver

What is this blog about? Well, it's a general blog, but it is also a very specific blog. If you get that reference, you get a gold star! I have been a public relations professional and writer of press releases for more than 20 years—primarily in the booze biz. I decided to do some writing for fun and embrace the humor that gets me through most days. Hopefully it will make you chuckle—or at least smile. I’m a certified crazy magnet, and more than a little nutty myself, so buckle up. Also, I have two vices—profanity and red wine/whiskey. You’ve been warned. It should also be noted, that I’m a HUGE Bob & Sheri fan. I’ve been a listener for more than 20 years. This opportunity is a dream come true and it may have made me cry. That being said, I cry at everything. If you are into booze, dogs, food and/or knitting, hit me up on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter (although I’m terrible at Twitter and it scares me) @kyspiritsgal. You can also find all my previous blog posts at www.kyspiritsgal.com.