What Can Brown Do For You?

I could live to be 100 and I don’t think I will ever understand my dogs’ hatred of the UPS man. They get a little wound up over the mailman and the FedEx guy, but the UPS man sends them over the damn edge.

I have a theory. In this theory, I’m probably giving my dogs too much credit for rational thought, but they are smart girls. I think my dogs are tireless protectors of public safety and our UPS man drives like his ass is on fire. This leaves Hazel and Mavis no choice but to bark, jump, howl—whatever it takes—to alert the whole fucking street of impending danger.

Their job starts shortly after my husband leaves for work in the morning. It is at this point I open the curtains in our bedroom and they can see out the window to the street. From the end of our bed, they have a clear view of all traffic as it turns onto our cul-de-sac.

The dogs pay no mind to our neighbors’ comings and goings throughout the day. However, shortly after lunch, they go on high alert for the brown truck. They hear him first and as soon as they get sight of him making the turn, all hell breaks loose. It is total chaos.

I know these drivers have a lot to do in a day but is driving at breakneck speed down a very short dead-end street necessary? My dogs think not.

Things get really intense when Mr. UPS stops at our house, which given my online shopping addiction, happens frequently. The window sill in my dining room, which is where they run to get a clear view of the driveway, has no paint left on it from the dogs’ insanity when we get packages.

I recently threw the pups for a loop with a delivery. I was working in my office when they started going crazy. It was a miserable day. It was actually raining sideways. The UPS man pulled up and had a large package. I knew it was heavy but didn’t want it to sit on the porch till my husband got home because I knew it would get wet and the box would fall apart. I met the delivery guy out front and he was incredibly kind (despite his proclivity for speed) and offered to set the package inside for me. The dogs were going nuts at the storm door in a most embarrassing manner, but I was like, “What the fuck? Might as well.” The dogs just bark and act like fools. I knew they would not bite. They are sweet girls. So, I opened the door and let the man in.

This was an unexpected turn of events for the pups. The look on their faces made me laugh. Their eyes got big and they stopped barking out of shock. If they could talk, I know their words would have been, “What the hell, Mom!? You just let the enemy in OUR house!”

They let him place the package in the entryway without making a peep. The second he was back on the front porch, they started barking and flipping out again.

I appreciate our dogs’ vigilance. I know they think they are doing their job. Maybe I should tell the UPS guy to slow the fuck down. I don’t know. I’m terrible at confrontation. All I do know is, my dogs think Brown can do nothing good for them.

Angela Traver

What is this blog about? Well, it's a general blog, but it is also a very specific blog. If you get that reference, you get a gold star! I have been a public relations professional and writer of press releases for more than 20 years—primarily in the booze biz. I decided to do some writing for fun and embrace the humor that gets me through most days. Hopefully it will make you chuckle—or at least smile. I’m a certified crazy magnet, and more than a little nutty myself, so buckle up. Also, I have two vices—profanity and red wine/whiskey. You’ve been warned. It should also be noted, that I’m a HUGE Bob & Sheri fan. I’ve been a listener for more than 20 years. This opportunity is a dream come true and it may have made me cry. That being said, I cry at everything. If you are into booze, dogs, food and/or knitting, hit me up on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter (although I’m terrible at Twitter and it scares me) @kyspiritsgal. You can also find all my previous blog posts at www.kyspiritsgal.com.