This phrase has stayed with me since my very first yoga class. I remember the instructor saying, “Always end on something positive.” Back then, I didn’t think much of it. I even started teaching that way, repeating this phrase to my own students, shake your head yes, shake it no, and shake it yes again….. until a few weeks years ago, when I began to reflect on its deeper meaning.
Why is saying “yes” automatically considered positive, while saying “no” feels negative? For much of my life, I’ve been a people pleaser, unable to say “no” out of fear of upsetting someone or because I genuinely enjoy helping others, no matter how busy I am. But this has come at a cost. There have been times I’ve felt completely burned out, overwhelmed, and even resentful of those who seem to have no problem setting boundaries and saying no.
Here’s what I’ve learned: Saying “no” is not selfish, it’s necessary. Having healthy boundaries isn’t about shutting people out; it’s about making space for your well-being and honoring your capacity. Those who say “no” when they need to are doing what’s best for themselves, and that’s something I’m working on every single day.
I want to teach my kids this lesson too, that they have the right to say “no” without guilt. Whether it’s refusing to lend something they value or stepping away from something that makes them uncomfortable, they need to know it’s okay to prioritize themselves. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay not to explain yourself. It’s okay to set boundaries and stick to them. People pleasing may nourish others, but it depletes you.
It’s like the flight attendant’s advice: “Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others.” We can only show up fully for others when we first take care of ourselves. Saying no doesn’t mean you’re selfish, it means you’re practicing self-respect.
So how do you say no and let go of the guilt?
One of my favorite quotes by Sonya Parker says it beautifully:“Live your life for you, not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected, or disliked stop you from being yourself.”
The truth is, when we constantly seek approval from others, we lose sight of our own worth. Tinybuddha.com reminds us that your value isn’t tied to what you do for others. If you’re stuck, overwhelmed, or overcommitted, it’s okay to be honest with yourself and with others.
Here are a few tips to help you say no with confidence:
- Be direct.
- Don’t apologize unnecessarily.
- Don’t lie, lying will only create guilt.
- Remember, it’s better to say no now than to feel resentful later.
- Remind yourself that your self-worth isn’t measured by how much you do for others.
Now, when I teach or practice yoga and say, “Shake your head yes, shake your head no,” it’s a reminder that both are equally important. Saying yes can open doors and bring joy, but saying no creates space for boundaries, balance, and self-care.
Let’s normalize saying no and taking care of ourselves first.
Nikki Lanigan
Nikki Lanigan is a yoga, HIIT, and Barre instructor, she is also a Holistic Health Coach through Institute of Integrative Nutrition. Nikki is trained in Yoga Shred, Yoga Psychology, meditation, chakra balancing, and EFT/Tapping. She has done trainings with Sadie Nardini and Ashley Turner. She got her 200 hour yoga teacher training in 2017 at the Carrie Treister School Of Yoga. Nikki takes a holistic view of health, helping her students and clients reach a place of self-love not just through movement, but with mindset and lifestyle guidance as well. Nikki is also show prep writer for The McVay Media Show Prep and host of the podcast Fit, Fun, and Frazzled. Connect with Nikki on Instagram. www.instagram.com/nikkilanigan.yogaandwellness www.instagram.com/fitfunandfrazzledpodcast
