And just like that, she hit send.
Seven college applications., seven dreams, typed, edited, rewritten, proofread, and sealed with hope.
I watched her click that final button, calm, confident, yet nervous. But inside me, well that is a different story, a thousand emotions collided all at once. My chest tightened, my stomach twisted, I had a lump in my throat, holding back tears, but yet so excited for her and so unbelievably proud of her accomplishments thus far.
You know what?! No one talks about this part of parenting enough.
We talk about the early years endlessly, the sleepless nights, the teething, the tantrums, the first day of school, the teenage moods. We’re flooded with parenting books, posts, and podcasts for those stages. But this? This part, when your baby is suddenly almost eighteen, when they’re applying to colleges, when the world is about to open wide and you have to let them walk into it, this part is heartbreak and pride intertwined.
The Silent Stage of Parenting
There’s a whole unspoken phase of parenting that no one prepares you for.
The part where your child is standing at the edge of the next chapter, and you’re standing behind them, torn between wanting to push them forward and wanting to pull them back in for one more hug, one more year.
You spend their entire life teaching them to be independent, to have confidence, to take risks, to follow their dreams, and then when they finally do, your heart aches in ways you didn’t know it could.
It’s this strange duality: your mind says yes, go, but your heart whispers please stay.
When I was in high school, applying to college felt… different. The competition wasn’t this fierce, the pressure wasn’t this intense. The stress level today feels multiplied by a thousand. GPA requirements are higher, application essays are longer, and social media adds another layer of comparison. You want to protect them from the anxiety of it ALL, but you can’t.
Because this is their journey now.
The Bittersweet Ache of Letting Go
There’s a pain in watching your child step into adulthood that no one really warns you about. It’s not like the sadness of the first day of kindergarten, it’s deeper. It’s not about separation for a few hours, it’s about a shift that will change your daily life forever.
And then there’s the what ifs. What if she gets into her dream school, the one that’s across the country? I’ve always told both my girls, follow your dreams, chase what lights you up, don’t ever play small, and I mean it! But… what if her dream takes her far away? What if my baby, the same one who cried if I walked out of the room, the one we had to turn on water, or a vacuum cleaner, or my hair dryer for her to fall asleep, the one I had to bounce and basically do squats for her to go to sleep, the one who would wake up as soon as I put her down, ends up living on the other side of the country, navigating adulthood without me right there?
I want her to soar, but watching her spread her wings hurts in ways I can’t even put into words.
The Mix of Pride, Pain, and Gratitude
This stage of motherhood is the ultimate paradox. I want to cry, I want to celebrate. I have a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat, yet my heart is bursting with pride and so much excitement for her.
She’s almost eighteen, EIGHTEEN, how did that happen?
It feels like yesterday she was asking for bedtime stories I had to make up and she was wearing her Disney princess dresses. Now she’s crafting essays about who she is and what she wants to become, and she’s becoming it, right before my eyes.
Every once in a while, she’ll walk into the room and I’ll just stare, wondering when my little girl became this beautiful, grounded, independent young woman. Even though my heart aches, I’m so grateful, grateful that she’s confident enough to dream big, grateful that she’s kind, compassionate, and determined., grateful that she knows who she is, and that she’s brave enough to chase it.
To Every Mom in This Stage
To every mom out there in this stage, the quiet, bittersweet one where your child is almost grown, I see you. You’re doing your best to hold it together, you’re proud beyond words.
You’ve spent years preparing them for this, to trust themselves, to believe in their dreams, to go after the life they want.
Now it’s time to practice what we’ve always told them: to trust the process, to surrender, to believe that all those late nights and tough talks and hugs and boundaries have built exactly who they need to be.
The next few weeks, I’ll be over here taking deep breaths, and whispering prayers, that she gets into every school she wants to, and she is happy, healthy, and safe.
I am so happy and proud she is following her dreams and I hope she is so happy and proud of herself too!
I will leave you with my favorite quote since I was a teenager that I am now passing on to her.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain
Nikki Lanigan
Nikki Lanigan is a yoga, HIIT, and Barre instructor, she is also a Holistic Health Coach through Institute of Integrative Nutrition. Nikki is trained in Yoga Shred, Yoga Psychology, meditation, chakra balancing, and EFT/Tapping. She has done trainings with Sadie Nardini and Ashley Turner. She got her 200 hour yoga teacher training in 2017 at the Carrie Treister School Of Yoga. Nikki takes a holistic view of health, helping her students and clients reach a place of self-love not just through movement, but with mindset and lifestyle guidance as well. Nikki is also show prep writer for The McVay Media Show Prep and host of the podcast Fit, Fun, and Frazzled. Connect with Nikki on Instagram. www.instagram.com/nikkilanigan.yogaandwellness www.instagram.com/fitfunandfrazzledpodcast
