A reflection on presence, perfection and learning to slow down before it’s too late.
Something happened yesterday.
It was a simple moment. I was letting our dog outside when I noticed the neighbors behind us pushing their little kids on the swing set. A familiar scene, innocent, sweet, and ordinary, but it hit me like a wave.
I stood there watching for a few seconds, and a knot formed in my chest. It brought me back to a time that somehow feels like yesterday and also a lifetime ago. When my girls were that little. When we had our own swing set in the backyard and they would say “push me higher” or laugh until their bellies hurt. They would flip on the rings and bar.
And suddenly, I had this sinking thought. Was I present enough when they were little?
I was a younger-ish mom for the times now. But now I look back and wonder if I had the softness I have now in my mid 40s. Did I slow down enough? Did I let the small moments matter the way I try to today?
Back then, I worked out every day. I told myself it was about taking care of myself, and in some ways it was. But if I am honest, a lot of it was rooted in fear. Fear of gaining weight. Fear of losing control. Fear of not being enough. Fear of looking old. Fear of having a “mom bod”.
Now I find myself asking. Was going to that early morning barre class really worth it? Was heading to a 7 p.m. Pilates class worth missing a chance to push them one more time on the swing set?
One memory still lingers. When my oldest was little, I put her to bed around 8 or 8:30pm, and instead of resting or unwinding, I went into the spare bedroom and did my second workout of the day. I had already run that morning. Now I was doing a barre workout; Physique 57.
And while I moved through the workout, I heard laughter outside. I looked out the window and saw the neighbors across the street. They were outside playing corn hole, talking, and drinking. Just being together. Laughing. Relaxed. Present.
That moment has stayed with me for years. Did I rush bedtime so I could get my workout in? Did I miss the magic in the name of discipline?
Somewhere in my mid to late thirties, my body gave me a wake-up call. Back pain that stopped me in my tracks. I was forced to slow down. That was when I began to really understand movement as healing, not punishment. Rest as essential, not something to earn. That was when I softened. I started listening. I began to forgive the version of me who did not know better.
And even now, I still carry the guilt sometimes. I think a lot of moms do.
But here is what I am learning.
You can love your children and still be healing from how hard you were on yourself when they were small. You can look back with tenderness and still choose to be present now. You can feel the ache of time passing and still know you are allowed to grow and evolve.
So I am sharing this in case you ever carry that guilt too. In case you ever wonder if you missed it. In case you need the reminder I still give myself. You did the best you could with what you knew. And now you know more. So now you get to do it differently. Now you get to soften. Now you get to stay for one more push on the swing (even if it is in a different capacity since they are teenagers and that swing set is long gone).
And that matters too.
Nikki Lanigan
Nikki Lanigan is a yoga, HIIT, and Barre instructor, she is also a Holistic Health Coach through Institute of Integrative Nutrition. Nikki is trained in Yoga Shred, Yoga Psychology, meditation, chakra balancing, and EFT/Tapping. She has done trainings with Sadie Nardini and Ashley Turner. She got her 200 hour yoga teacher training in 2017 at the Carrie Treister School Of Yoga. Nikki takes a holistic view of health, helping her students and clients reach a place of self-love not just through movement, but with mindset and lifestyle guidance as well. Nikki is also show prep writer for The McVay Media Show Prep and host of the podcast Fit, Fun, and Frazzled. Connect with Nikki on Instagram. www.instagram.com/nikkilanigan.yogaandwellness www.instagram.com/fitfunandfrazzledpodcast
