What I think burnout, graduation, forgotten anniversaries, weird dreams, and growing kids might all be trying to teach me
A few nights ago I had another dream about lemons. Bright yellow fruit hanging from branches and this isn’t the first time. I’ve been seeing lemons and lemon trees everywhere lately. In my dreams, during meditation, randomly scrolling online in photos. I don’t know exactly what it means. What I do know is that life feels strange right now though.
My oldest graduated high school last week, even typing that feels surreal. For eighteen years there were lunch boxes, little lunch box notes, and permission slips and field trips and spirit weeks and cheerleading practices and parent teacher conferences. Then suddenly there was a cap and gown. People warn you that time moves fast.
What they don’t tell you is how disorienting it feels when it actually happens. One day you’re carrying a sleeping toddler from the car into the house, the next day you’re activating the parent portal at their college. Meanwhile my youngest has one more week of school left, finishing her freshmen year, studying for finals, and is getting ready to leave for a mission trip.
Another reminder that time is moving whether I’m ready for it or not, and somewhere in the middle of all of that May is, my husband forgot our anniversary. Now before anyone gets mad at him, this isn’t really about the anniversary, it’s about what the forgotten anniversary represented because sometimes when we’re exhausted, the smallest thing feels bigger than it is. The no response texts back from people, the post that gets no engagement, the friends who never check in and I feel like I’m the one always checking in and reaching out, the things that normally wouldn’t hurt suddenly lands differently because we’re depleted. I’ve realized lately that burnout doesn’t always look like lying on the couch unable to function. Sometimes burnout looks like continuing to function while quietly losing enthusiasm for things you used to love. Like creating posts, posting in itself, teaching, writing, consuming content, listening to podcasts, scrolling social media. Even things that once inspired me have started feeling noisy. Everybody has a framework, everybody has their own method, everyone has a seven step system that they swear is the end all be all and the best and you have to follow it. Everybody is selling certainty.
I find myself wanting less information, not more. I want less advice, less optimization, less content, less pressure to turn every thought into a post., less pressure to monetize every hobby, less pressure to be visible all the time. I think a lot of us are tired.
A week ago I caught myself reaching for my phone while at the Bruno Mars concert with my youngest and one of her friend’s, I thought oh this would make a good b-roll. Then I thought, WTF am I doing. I’m at a concert with one of my daughter’s why am I thinking about filming b-roll for Instagram to save in my drafts?!
That realization bothered me A LOT. How many moments have I missed because I was trying to capture them for social media to post on my business page? How many experiences have become content before they were allowed to become memories?How many beautiful ordinary moments have I rushed past because I was already thinking about what came next?
Maybe that’s why the lemon trees and lemons keep showing up. I looked up the symbolism and common meanings of seeing them in your dreams and meditations, lemon trees are associated with growth, resilience, patience. Lemons are also associated with purification and dispelling stagnant or negative energy from your environment. The color yellow is associated with the solar plexus chakra and seeing yellow and lemons can mean you’re looking for a boost to your personal power and confidence. Lastly, spiritually, the lemon symbolizes cleansing, protection, and renewal.
If I had to explore the idea myself I think seeing lemons and lemon trees is about life being bittersweet, my oldest graduated high school, my youngest is going on a mission trip this summer, life is busy and hectic, the kids are growing up so fast and growing into amazing young women. Or maybe it’s the fact all I see on Instagram are videos of Italy and lemons everywhere on the Italian Riviera. Maybe my subconscious is saying this season isn’t about creating more, maybe it’s asking me to notice more. Maybe it’s asking me to sit under the lemon tree for a minute, stop trying to force clarity and some huge big epiphany. Maybe stop trying to turn every feeling into a strategy, stop believing I need to have all the answers before I can enjoy my life.
The truth is, I don’t know exactly what this means or what’s next. I don’t know what social media will look like, I don’t know what my daughters’ lives will look like as they continue to get older, I don’t know why some posts reach thousands of people while others disappear into the void, I don’t know why the people closest to me never like any of my contend not even my private personal IG page of just our pets, vacay pics, prom, and graduation pics. I don’t know why certain dreams keep showing up, and I have zero clue why this season feels so emotional, things that normally don’t bother me are really really bothering me.
But maybe not knowing is okay, maybe some seasons are meant for observing, for grieving what has changed, for celebrating what was and what is to come. Maybe this summer isn’t the summer of reinvention, maybe it’s the summer of paying attention, and maybe, just maybe, the lemons and lemon trees keep showing up because something new is growing. Growth is already happening, even when I can’t see it yet, and for now, I think that’s enough.
Nikki Lanigan
Nikki Lanigan is a yoga, HIIT, and Barre instructor, she is also a Holistic Health Coach through Institute of Integrative Nutrition. Nikki is trained in Yoga Shred, Yoga Psychology, meditation, chakra balancing, and EFT/Tapping. She has done trainings with Sadie Nardini and Ashley Turner. She got her 200 hour yoga teacher training in 2017 at the Carrie Treister School Of Yoga. Nikki takes a holistic view of health, helping her students and clients reach a place of self-love not just through movement, but with mindset and lifestyle guidance as well. Nikki is also show prep writer for The McVay Media Show Prep and host of the podcast Fit, Fun, and Frazzled. Connect with Nikki on Instagram. www.instagram.com/nikkilanigan.yogaandwellness www.instagram.com/fitfunandfrazzledpodcast
