Have you seen that meme about “Be gentle with me this week, my emotional support Winter Olympics are over.” My husband and I were just talking about this yesterday. It is always a bit sad when the Olympics are over. The nation comes together to cheer, root and support these athletes. Plus in our on home, it is something we all seem to watch together and can agree on. Then can we talk about for a second Punch, (or Panchi-kun, in Japanese), the tiny Japanese macaque currently residing at Japan’s Ichikawa City Zoo. Why am I so moved and saddened by a lonely baby monkey that was being bullied? Punch has gone viral for his obsession with an orange orangutan stuffed animal and his one favorite zoo keeper, and every time I see a new Instagram post I want to cry?
Seven years ago I was on a Zoom for IIN, my nutrition and health coaching school. We had a guest speaker that day. I honestly cannot remember their name, but I remember one question they asked with complete clarity.
When is the last time someone truly asked you how you’re doing? Not the quick “how are you” in passing, not the polite exchange at pickup or in a text thread, but a real pause. Then they asked the follow up. When is the last time you asked someone else how they’re doing and actually meant it?
I remember sitting there quietly, feeling the weight of that question, even then, before social media became what it is now, I realized how rare that kind of check in had become. Seven years later, it feels even rarer.
We are constantly seeing each other online. We see the vacation photos, the kids pictures, your kids wins and their achievements in school and sports, the workouts, the clean kitchens, the business wins, the funny family moments, the milestones, the birthday posts, the smiling selfies in good lighting, if you’re a content creator or an entrepreneur then we see all those business posts and reels. We watch each other’s lives in tiny squares every day, and yet, most of the time, we have no idea how anyone is actually doing. We assume they’re fine because their grid looks good. We assume they’re happy because they posted a birthday dinner. We assume they are thriving because they shared a win, but social media is a snapshot, a highlight, a curated slice of a day, it’s not the whole story.
Even for people who are not content creators, there is still a version of life that gets posted. The good moments, a nice angle, a happy photo, a quick update. Meanwhile, behind the screen, there might be anxiety, burnout, loneliness, grief, financial stress, relationship struggles, health issues, or just the quiet exhaustion of trying to hold everything together.
We have never been more connected and more disconnected at the same time.
The Illusion of Knowing
One of the strangest parts of modern life is that we feel like we know what is happening in people’s lives because we see them online. We feel caught up, updated, we feel in the loop. But seeing someone’s content is not the same as knowing how they are and sometimes we assume someone is doing great because they look like they’re doing great. Sometimes we assume someone is busy and thriving, when in reality they are overwhelmed and barely keeping up. Sometimes we assume someone has support, when they are actually feeling very alone. It is easy to forget that we are all humans living layered, complicated lives off screen.
The Question That Still Sticks With Me
When that speaker asked that question years ago, I remember thinking about how often we say “how are you” without really listening for the answer.
It has become a greeting, not a question. Have you ever shopped at Trader Joe’s? They ask 20 questions when you are checking out, and every time I say I am doing well or good, ( yes I know that is not proper grammar it is I am doing well. But I say good sometimes) even when I am tired, stressed, anxious, or just blah. We ask while walking, we ask while distracted, we ask while already thinking about what we are going to say next, and when someone answers honestly, it can catch us off guard, because real answers require presence, presence requires time, time requires intention, and intention is something many of us are running low on.
The Cost of Always Looking Fine
There is an unspoken pressure to look okay. Maybe even to look like you are managing, to look like you are handling things, like you’re grateful and positive and productive. Especially for women. We are often the ones holding everything together.
The schedules, the emotional labor, the mental load, the family logistics, the work responsibilities, the invisible tasks no one else sees. It can feel easier to post a smiling photo than to admit you’re overwhelmed. It can feel easier to keep moving than to slow down and say, I’m actually struggling right now, or I’m tired, I’m anxious, I’m not sure what I need, but when everyone is performing “fine,” no one knows who might need support.
When Was the Last Time You Asked? I’m not asking about a quick text as in a greeting “ Hi, how are you.” A real question. How are you doing? No, really, and then you pause long enough to HEAR the answer. Sometimes the answer will still be surface level. That’s okay, we all have boundaries. I am not telling someone I barely know my life story to, but sometimes, when someone feels safe enough, they will tell you the truth, and that moment of being seen can be more supportive than any advice.
When Was the Last Time Someone Asked You?
This question goes both ways. When was the last time someone asked you and gave you space to answer honestly? They didn’t ask to fix you, or to give you a pep talk, they asked then just listened. Many of us are used to being the strong one, the supportive one, the one who checks in on everyone else, it can feel unfamiliar to be asked how we are and actually answer.
This is where slowing down matters. When we are constantly moving, scrolling, reacting, producing, and managing, we miss opportunities to check in with the people around us. We assume they’re fine. They assume we’re fine. Slowing down allows us to notice, to reach out, to ask, and to listen.
A text that says I was thinking about you. How are you doing? or How have you been These small moments matter more than we realize. The next time you scroll, remember this, every square you see is a person living a full life behind that post. There are things you can see and many things you can’t. That smiling photo might be taken during a hard week, that celebratory post might follow months of stress, that quiet account might belong to someone who is struggling but not sharing. We can’t assume we know, but we can care.
Today, consider asking one person how they’re doing. If someone asks you, consider answering honestly, even if it is just a little more honestly than usual.
We don’t need to share everything online and we do not need to overshare to be real, that’s not what this is about. But we do need spaces where we can be human with each other. We need to stop assuming people are as they seem online. Remember, social media is a highlight reel so always be kind! Being kind will never go out of style! EVER!
That question from seven years ago still lives in my mind. When is the last time someone really asked how you’re doing? When is the last time you asked someone else?
Maybe this week is a good time to start again.
Nikki Lanigan
Nikki Lanigan is a yoga, HIIT, and Barre instructor, she is also a Holistic Health Coach through Institute of Integrative Nutrition. Nikki is trained in Yoga Shred, Yoga Psychology, meditation, chakra balancing, and EFT/Tapping. She has done trainings with Sadie Nardini and Ashley Turner. She got her 200 hour yoga teacher training in 2017 at the Carrie Treister School Of Yoga. Nikki takes a holistic view of health, helping her students and clients reach a place of self-love not just through movement, but with mindset and lifestyle guidance as well. Nikki is also show prep writer for The McVay Media Show Prep and host of the podcast Fit, Fun, and Frazzled. Connect with Nikki on Instagram. www.instagram.com/nikkilanigan.yogaandwellness www.instagram.com/fitfunandfrazzledpodcast
