I was on the phone recently with an old friend. As we were catching up, she was filling me in on her love life and a new relationship.
Now, I’ve been married for 30 years, so I have not dated since the 90s. Listening to her talk about all the unknowns and uncertainties of a new relationship really made me grateful to not be doing that again. I also still like my husband, so that is a plus.
As we analyzed and interpreted her beau’s behavior, I said something to the effect of, “Fuck that. Y’all are in your 40s. Just ask him to show you his owner’s manual.” We both paused and then laughed. But seriously, aren’t there people in your life you would like to see their owner’s manual just so you know how to treat and take care of them? I think this would be brilliant!
For example, if you need to be handled with care, it says so right there in your manual. If you need to be fed and watered regularly or you flip your shit, your manual lets me know to always have a granola bar in my purse. Fight averted!
So much trouble could be saved. If I’m checking out your owner’s manual only to discover you run on premium fuel, you are too rich for my blood. I’m going to need to date down. If your manual says you allow multiple users, I’m also out.
In this manual, I also want to know about your warranty. I need a good return on my investment and don’t want to get burned. What if you are a lemon? How long do I have to return you? I will not be punished for factory defects! What? You have a nubbin? Nope. I only want a partner with two nipples. Thanks, but no thanks.
According to the American Psychological Association, approximately 40-50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. That is a lot, folks! Just think what an advantage you would have if you could see your potential partner’s owner’s manual. It’s a game-changer!
I do realize there is a downside to this. For example, if we all could learn things about our love interests by reading a simple booklet and gather information about all of someone’s flaws up front, we might never mate again. That would be bad for our species.
In lieu of an actual owner’s manual, it would just be great if we all had enough confidence and self-awareness to tell others what we need from them and how we would like to be treated. Why is communication so hard? It’s okay to ask for what you need. I would much rather know up front you can’t handle my crazy, than find out when I’m committed to dealing with your particular brand of insanity. Brands of crazy need to be similar, I think.
Alas, we have to learn about others through doing. That’s hard. Adulting is hard. It is a shame there are no Cliffsnotes to help us along on this journey we call life and relationships.
Angela Traver
What is this blog about? Well, it's a general blog, but it is also a very specific blog. If you get that reference, you get a gold star! I have been a public relations professional and writer of press releases for more than 20 years—primarily in the booze biz. I decided to do some writing for fun and embrace the humor that gets me through most days. Hopefully it will make you chuckle—or at least smile. I’m a certified crazy magnet, and more than a little nutty myself, so buckle up. Also, I have two vices—profanity and red wine/whiskey. You’ve been warned. It should also be noted, that I’m a HUGE Bob & Sheri fan. I’ve been a listener for more than 20 years. This opportunity is a dream come true and it may have made me cry. That being said, I cry at everything. If you are into booze, dogs, food and/or knitting, hit me up on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter (although I’m terrible at Twitter and it scares me) @kyspiritsgal. You can also find all my previous blog posts at www.kyspiritsgal.com.
