Last year my daughter left home to finish her last two years of high school in a STEM academy at a university two hours away from us. I thought leaving her there for the first time would be the hardest thing I ever had to do. It was certainly tough, but I pulled through. It was not as bad as I had anticipated.
I survived her junior year with only a few breakdowns and must admit, I was a bit smug about how well I was holding up. I’m a very sensitive person and Josie and I are tight. She is my world. Not seeing her every day was hard, but she called more than I thought she would. I went to visit. A lot. It really was okay.
Well, I guess I got cocky because her being away her senior year may be the death of me. I physically hurt some days from how much I miss her. I don’t think there has been a day I have not cried since she left in August.
I know the real kicker here is she is planning on attending college out of state. Not just out of state, but most of the schools she is interested in are six-plus hours away (one is 14 hours!). The letting go, or preparing to, is killing me. My heart (and body) ache constantly from thinking about it. Menopause could also be the cause, but I feel most of it is sadness over Josie’s imminent departure. It’s really a cruel joke from the universe that these two things coincide.
I know she will always be my daughter and hopefully need me in some capacity. Fuck, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Some nights I just lie in bed remembering what her little hand felt like in mine. She held my hand until she was like 13. Sometimes she still does. Those times are the best.
Over Christmas break, she talked us into buying tickets and going with her to a music festival. I’m not a music festival kind of person. Please understand, I love live music. I just want an assigned seat and to be in bed by 11 p.m. I’m also very pale. I don’t want to fry in the sun and look like a lobster. Oh, I don’t do rain. I hate being wet. Finally, I’m anxious AF and the crowd overwhelms me.
Given this long list of concerns, how did she talk me into it? Well, it is a two-day festival and her favorite singer is headlining the first night—Noah Kahan. He is a great talent and she has turned me on to his music too. THEN, on the second night, one of my favorite singers is the headliner—Chris Stapleton (he ties with Brandi Carlile for my top spot). Finally, it is just the fact I get to do this with my daughter (and husband).
The show is in June. I will stress about it every day until then.
About a week ago Josie called me to tell me Noah’s new album has a duet that was going to make me very happy. She made me guess who it was with. I got it on my first try—Brandi Carlile, of course. She is such a supporter of up-and-coming artists and I thought their voices would be perfect together.
For some reason while working today, I took a break and found the song. I had not heard it yet. It is called You’re Gonna Go Far. First of all, it is a beautiful song. I was correct about their voices being a perfect match. With that out of the way, it triggered a meltdown of epic proportions. I lost my fucking mind. I sobbed, I screamed, I shook, I pleaded with the universe to give me my little girl back. I then realized I was out of Kleenex. Thank goodness for toilet paper. I think it took most of a roll to clean up the mess that song left me in. I was a puddle.
I’m so grateful I even have a kid who wants to go to a music festival with her parents. This young woman is a benefit in my life in every way. It’s just hard not to be sad as this chapter on our relationship ends and a new one begins. With the exception of teething and the year she and her father fought non-stop, I have cherished every moment with this human. I know I still have a lot more tears to shed. It’s really hard not to when you have the best kid on the planet. I just wish I could give one big hug to all the other mommas out there with the best kids in the world who are hurting, too. The struggle is real. You are not alone.
Angela Traver
What is this blog about? Well, it's a general blog, but it is also a very specific blog. If you get that reference, you get a gold star! I have been a public relations professional and writer of press releases for more than 20 years—primarily in the booze biz. I decided to do some writing for fun and embrace the humor that gets me through most days. Hopefully it will make you chuckle—or at least smile. I’m a certified crazy magnet, and more than a little nutty myself, so buckle up. Also, I have two vices—profanity and red wine/whiskey. You’ve been warned. It should also be noted, that I’m a HUGE Bob & Sheri fan. I’ve been a listener for more than 20 years. This opportunity is a dream come true and it may have made me cry. That being said, I cry at everything. If you are into booze, dogs, food and/or knitting, hit me up on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter (although I’m terrible at Twitter and it scares me) @kyspiritsgal. You can also find all my previous blog posts at www.kyspiritsgal.com.
