She tells me the story in exhaustive detail . . . “and then I said to him, etc. and he told me, etc.” As I struggle to keep my focus on her original intent of sharing her angst with me, I find my mind drifting back and forth between wondering how anyone can store so many petty details in their memory banks and why I’m listening to a story about a conversation that took place months ago with a third person I don’t even know.
Then I realized, almost every conversation I have with this person involves a point by point relaying of a former conversation she has had with someone else, someone who has offended in her in some way. “Can you believe he said that to me?” Before I can respond, she blurts out “and so I told him he was a selfish S.O.B,” etc. and so on and so on.
An hour goes by without me speaking a word, just an occasional “uh huh.” I realize I am merely a sounding board for her to unleash her “rant du jour” upon. I get it. Who I am in this interchange is of no consequence and my time is of no value to her. At this moment, she is the center of everything and she desperately needs someone to pay attention to her, to hear her, to validate her. I am her willing, captive prey. And so, I listen and try to learn . . . about human nature, the wounds we carry in our soul and my own quirks and shortcomings.
After encountering a few of these personality types in my life it has finally occurred to me my friend and others like her suffer from emotional hoarding. Their mind is filled with clutter from every relationship in which they have felt wronged, unloved or unappreciated. This is how they can relay every word spoken in a conversation in excruciating detail. Whether completely real or slightly imagined, their trauma is very real and ever present.
The emotional hoarders mind is cluttered with old wounds, captured and catalogued for future revisiting should the need arise. No perceived wrong is ever let go of. In an instant, the negative emotions fueled with often suppressed anger can be brought to the surface and spewed out like a violent volcanic eruption. “Listen to me!” they demand. Surely you see my rage is justified; the eternal message they want you to hear.
The EH can be a skilled grudge holder energized by thoughts and plots of revenge. Many times their conversations are sprinkled with bullying words like I hate her guts or I want to rip his head off or I want to punch him in the face. These fighting words are intended to convince you that their nemesis is evil and worthy of their hatred and disdain . . . in other words, in no way, are they themselves responsible for any of the negativity they feel. In their version of reality – they are completely innocent and blameless and their vengeful emotions are totally warranted. Therefore, in all of their personal relationships which have mysteriously gone off the rails . . . they are in the right.
But sometimes the emotional hoarder isn’t so much holding on to anger as he or she is clinging to deep, relentless sadness and grief over a loss of a loved one. This deep visceral pain becomes a blanket of insulation which somehow brings comfort. The weight of loss is so heavy it squelches any chance to live a lighter, more peaceful existence. But to let go of the pain, in some people’s narrative, would be to let go of the loved one’s memory – and that is unacceptable in their mind, so they hang on.
So what does one do if you realize you are an emotional hoarder? How do you get free from the weight of sadness and the grip of relentless anger? Is it possible to lighten your load and find peace?
As with so many personal conflicts, the remedy isn’t a once-for-all quick fix, it is going to require desire to change and energy to do the internal hard work, on a daily basis. The good news is it is possible to unload, let go and live a more peaceful existence, one small step at a time.
Change begins with awareness. When a person recognizes a negative pattern of emotional hoarding and the stored rage or unrelenting sadness no longer serves him or her – that is when a new day can dawn.
Lightness of being can be achieved when an emotional hoarder begins to realize that the only moment that truly matters is the one they are living right now. Every moment they spend dredging the emotional swamp of the past, is a moment they are missing today. And to fully enjoy this day, freedom from those old wounds of the past requires a new action – a choice to “let go.” This is the action of mindfulness.
So while “awareness” is a general acknowledgement of the issue, “mindfulness” is the specific action required to carry it out in the moment. Which initiates the third step and that is choosing. When an EH realizes that playing the same old victim card no longer results in the big pay-off of desperately needed validation from others – opportunity for change exists.
Little by little, as an emotional hoarder and indeed all of us makes a personal choice to feel something different in the moment . . . peacefulness over chaos, calmness over anxiety, love over anger, and so on; the mind will begin to be free of the entrapments of past events and new narratives can be created.
It is at this point, we can begin to clean the debris from our heart and mind and watch the old narratives drift away from our new “bridge over troubled water” perspective. Awareness, mindfulness and choosing – these are the pavestones that line the path to that beautiful, peaceful bridge. The more we take that path, the more we will lose our desire to dredge the river below.
The Zen Den
Hello and welcome to The Zen Den. My name is Alison and while I am passionate about many things, my most inspiring driving force is human connection. Blogger, content writer, orthopedic exercise specialist, motivational speaker, international yoga pro, published songwriter, avid poker player, mom and wife are just a few of my titles. But when I do my job at NASA, I am known simply as “The Fairy Zenmother” a role I deeply love because people invite me into their space to help them find their center, relax and stretch their muscles and destress their mind. Here in the blogosphere version of The Zen Den, I invite you into my world where I will explore ideas for creating a better tomorrow and a kinder today. And hopefully, with insight, authenticity and humor; my words, observations and experiences will help you feel calm, centered, intellectually challenged and spiritually enlightened. Alternatively, if you have something you would like to see covered in The Zen Den, just let me know. Your feedback is welcome and valuable to the success of this blog. Finally, my heart is filled with gratitude to have this opportunity to share with all of you.
