I confess. I am a chronic peacemaker who craves consistency in human behavior and will do anything to keep the waters calm and the apple cart upright. Psychologists have labeled my personality type as an enabler or accommodator and I can pretty much check off the whole list.
While this may seem like a good quality – under certain conditions and in the right pairing of opposite personalities it has proven to be quite detrimental to my own development. In other words, in the past I have been a bully’s dream target.
My childhood set me up for this personality disorder. Growing up with a bipolar mother and occasionally interacting with my alcoholic father, I developed a deep seeded need for “sameness.” But unfortunately that isn’t the way the world works and very few human beings, including myself, display a consistent demeanor all the time.
The enabler personality type is perfectly suited to be a doormat for the more controlling personality and the crazy thing is these two types are actually attracted to one another.
Paired with an obsessive controlling personality, because of incessant demands the enabler constantly feels like he or she is walking on eggshells. In their deepest desire to live in steady state – they continually hide their hurt feelings and instead acquiesce to other’s unacceptable behavior in order to avoid a sudden anger outburst, mood change or cold shoulder.
Over 20 years ago, my inner enabler was exposed and unmasked by a caring, observant girlfriend. I got it. I finally woke up to see that all of my efforts to quell pending behavioral eruptions actually made things much worse. Keeping things deep inside and not calling offenses out in the moment did nothing to improve my interactions with others. That day I exposed my disorder, declared to myself and the world “no more!”
Though I have made a lot of changes in this area and I now understand the principle that “we teach others how to treat us”, I still consider myself to be a work in progress.
Occasionally when I encounter a very strong personality who readily asserts his or her opinion and mows everyone down to prove a point – I’m still caught off guard. I feel befuddled by the sudden erratic change of tone and it takes my fuzzy brain a moment to comprehend what is happening. For example, in the midst of a conversation talking about mundane things where several of us were voicing our opinions about a subject matter, the loudest and most opinionated person suddenly pointed her finger in my face and shouted “you are wrong!” A few of us looked at each other in shock. She just proceeded to set us all straight because her opinion was the only opinion. I immediately felt the sheepish enabler take over and I just walked away trying to understand, learn and grow.
This is the thing that I am most excited about in my enabler journey – through daily meditation, awareness and clarity into my own thoughts and emotions – I feel more empowered to simply observe other’s behavior without feeling personally assaulted or victimized.
If the truth is we teach people how to treat us – then it is up to us to enlighten them with what is acceptable or unacceptable. What we allow in other’s bad behavior will definitely continue. Simply understanding that we are in the driver’s seat is the beginning of ending the enabling cycle. Grateful for the truth which sets us free!
This article was written by a guest blogger. The opinions expressed here are those of the writer and do not reflect the opinions of Bob Lacey, Sheri Lynch or the Bob & Sheri show.
The Zen Den
Hello and welcome to The Zen Den. My name is Alison and while I am passionate about many things, my most inspiring driving force is human connection. Blogger, content writer, orthopedic exercise specialist, motivational speaker, international yoga pro, published songwriter, avid poker player, mom and wife are just a few of my titles. But when I do my job at NASA, I am known simply as “The Fairy Zenmother” a role I deeply love because people invite me into their space to help them find their center, relax and stretch their muscles and destress their mind. Here in the blogosphere version of The Zen Den, I invite you into my world where I will explore ideas for creating a better tomorrow and a kinder today. And hopefully, with insight, authenticity and humor; my words, observations and experiences will help you feel calm, centered, intellectually challenged and spiritually enlightened. Alternatively, if you have something you would like to see covered in The Zen Den, just let me know. Your feedback is welcome and valuable to the success of this blog. Finally, my heart is filled with gratitude to have this opportunity to share with all of you.
