The words we speak conjoined with the tone with which we deliver them can either be a force that inspires good feelings and open hearted interaction or little land mines which ignite negativity, reinforce reactivity and spark conflict.
The Blurt & Go Type
Overly controlling, short-tempered, reactive people often struggle to convey their thoughts in a non-offensive manner. They are impulsive blurters; usually quite unaware of their tone, facial expressions and poor choice of words. For those in close proximity, the eruption can be quite uncomfortable and alarming. While the oblivious quick-triggered tormentor feels emotionally released; he simply moves on completely unaware of the wounded left in his wake.
The Hide & Hoard Type
The slow-to-anger accommodating personality types tend to retreat into their self-soothing inner bunker when feeling attacked. It is there they ruminate on what just happened, lick their wounds in solitude and wonder why they struggle to confront when confronted. Unfortunately, they often hoard hurts like a squirrel stores nuts. As the non-addressed offenses mount up (which they have allowed), the tiniest imperfectly communicated statement from “blurt and go” can result in an out-of-character explosion which has very little to do with the exchange of the moment. Delayed retaliation? Indeed.
It Takes Two
One of life’s more curious caveats is these two types always seem to end up together – the whole “opposites attract” thing. Couples who find themselves on the high ends of the B&G H&H spectrum may struggle to find a comfortable buffer zone. Navigating the vicious cycle of emotional disruptions can be exhausting and sometimes feel like there is no solution. But in most cases – these two types can improve their style of communication and decrease the intensity and frequency of the confrontations through awareness, practice and intention.
Change by Choice
Neither the B&G nor the H&H can change with wishful thinking or by repeatedly being reminded that they need to. Both people will have to move into the buffer zone with an authentic desire to improve their style of communication. Since B&G is usually unaware of his negative tone and facial expressions – H&H is going to have to step up to the plate and make the first pitch. “I’m not sure you are aware of your tone right now – but it sounds like you are irritated. Have I done something to annoy you?” Obviously this is going to take a little practice because the pull to “feel offended and retreat into the fortress” is going to be strong.
Just this interruptive plea in the middle of a normally unchecked unacceptable behavior outburst usually pricks the conscience of the unaware B&G.
Hopefully the response will sound something like . . . “oh, wow, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come off that way – actually it has nothing to do with you – I’m just so ticked off about this thing at work . . . etc.”
Peace Talks
It is difficult to engage in conflict resolution in the heat of the battle – in fact it is almost impossible. The words fly, the tears fall and the walls go up. Picking the right moment to discuss deeper issues is the number one key to having a successful outcome. When the waters are calm – always begin the conversation by focusing on the changes you want to make first. For example, “lately I’ve been thinking about my personal goals and things I’m working on and I just want you to know that I’m aware that I tend to hold my emotions in and avoid issues in the moment. . . it’s something I really want to improve, etc.
Wide Open Spaces
This kind of honesty and vulnerability usually breeds an atmosphere of openness with a non-judgmental space to be real. Even in the easily triggered B&G this type of invitation to self-reflect can be attractive. Impulsivity is usually a character flaw that most people wish to rid themselves of but may feel impotent as to how to change. The more reflective H&H can be the perfect partner to help de-fuse the more reactive B&G.
Words of Choice
Our lives are filled with a multitude of choices, in fact it is estimated that the average adult makes about 35,000 remotely conscious decisions each day. Each choice of course, carries certain consequences with it that can be both good and bad. One of the most important daily choices we make involve our words, our tone and our attitude.
Words spoken to those we love deserve to be chosen with clarity, dispensed with a tone of intention and received with a heart of reflection. Whether you are an H&H who hates to make waves, a B&G who creates a tsunami or a lone captain who charts his own course – all of us can improve what we leave in our wake by choosing the best choice words.
This article was written by a guest blogger. The opinions expressed here are those of the writer and do not reflect the opinions of Bob Lacey, Sheri Lynch or the Bob & Sheri show.
The Zen Den
Hello and welcome to The Zen Den. My name is Alison and while I am passionate about many things, my most inspiring driving force is human connection. Blogger, content writer, orthopedic exercise specialist, motivational speaker, international yoga pro, published songwriter, avid poker player, mom and wife are just a few of my titles. But when I do my job at NASA, I am known simply as “The Fairy Zenmother” a role I deeply love because people invite me into their space to help them find their center, relax and stretch their muscles and destress their mind. Here in the blogosphere version of The Zen Den, I invite you into my world where I will explore ideas for creating a better tomorrow and a kinder today. And hopefully, with insight, authenticity and humor; my words, observations and experiences will help you feel calm, centered, intellectually challenged and spiritually enlightened. Alternatively, if you have something you would like to see covered in The Zen Den, just let me know. Your feedback is welcome and valuable to the success of this blog. Finally, my heart is filled with gratitude to have this opportunity to share with all of you.
