She was overly elated when the man of her dreams finally asked her to marry him. He was the epitome of everything she revered as good husband material. He was financially stable, believed in God, loved animals and children and was committed to family.
She wanted stability more than anything. She wanted to have children more than anything. She got both of those things. Ultimately, what she didn’t get was a person who made her feel appreciated, loved and nurtured.
I listened closely as she unraveled the last few years of her discontent. I didn’t just want to be a compassionate shoulder to cry on – I wanted to have something of value to share with her. I desperately wanted to impart words of relationship wisdom which could possibly spark a different perspective.
It wasn’t long before I understood the conflict between these two people wasn’t something a few insightful words could help. In fact, I discovered there was really no opening to hear anything which challenged the model she had firmly fixed in her mind. Her husband was the cause of all her unhappiness. It turns out; he wasn’t the perfect man she had thought him to be. He was self-absorbed, distracted, rarely engaged and in her opinion, completely narcissistic.
But as always there are two sides to this story. There is the perspective of her husband. As you can imagine it was quite different than the picture she had painted. In his mind, she was extremely demanding and controlling and wanted everything done her way, in her timing. He constantly felt as if he was walking on eggshells. He never knew what misstep was going to set her off into a rage. The more he tried to complete all of her tasks – the more hoops she gave him to jump through.
Their home became a battlefield. Slamming doors after marathon shouting matches finally led to separate bedrooms. Neither partner was willing to give an inch because both believed the other was to blame for all their problems. Whatever love there was in the beginning, was now a smoldering ember buried underneath years of broken promises, accusations and raw emotions.
Their glue, their one connection was their children and their equally shared desire to make a happy stable home. They would hang in there no matter what until their children were on their own. After that? Who knows?
It is such a sad story but unfortunately not uncommon at all. It is the tale of two people with completely opposite personalities who come together and try to
build a life before they have built a foundation of love and friendship. While initially the sexual attraction may be enough to keep the love fire building, eventually without the basic tools of communication, even the most passionate flames slowly burn out.
She wants him to read her mind and just do all her tasks without her having to ask. He is oblivious to the running list in her mind and merely wants to be loved and appreciated for providing a good life, making money and being a good dad. The hot buttons are deeper and stronger than their ability to connect and openly discuss their issues.
Eventually and sadly, these two settle for living two separate lives under one roof. While sharing the same space and even the same bed – their hearts are so bruised and battered it is difficult to show appreciation, affection and admiration for one another. They just exist.
What is the remedy? Is there any hope for a relationship in such crisis?
Courage, Bravery and Vulnerability
I have to believe the answer is yes. It starts by tuning out the world, turning off the television, sitting alone together and getting vulnerable together. Each partner must want to meet in the middle. Each must be willing to let down their guard and expose the pain and disappointment they keep hidden. The finger pointing must be abolished and the blame must be shared. The relationship must be valued more than the individual egos involved. But someone has to be the first to say . . . I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me. Once that door is open, the floodgates of painful emotions won’t be held back.
But someone has to go first . . . and that is the hardest step.
This article was written by a guest blogger. The opinions expressed here are those of the writer and do not reflect the opinions of Bob Lacey, Sheri Lynch or the Bob & Sheri show.
The Zen Den
Hello and welcome to The Zen Den. My name is Alison and while I am passionate about many things, my most inspiring driving force is human connection. Blogger, content writer, orthopedic exercise specialist, motivational speaker, international yoga pro, published songwriter, avid poker player, mom and wife are just a few of my titles. But when I do my job at NASA, I am known simply as “The Fairy Zenmother” a role I deeply love because people invite me into their space to help them find their center, relax and stretch their muscles and destress their mind. Here in the blogosphere version of The Zen Den, I invite you into my world where I will explore ideas for creating a better tomorrow and a kinder today. And hopefully, with insight, authenticity and humor; my words, observations and experiences will help you feel calm, centered, intellectually challenged and spiritually enlightened. Alternatively, if you have something you would like to see covered in The Zen Den, just let me know. Your feedback is welcome and valuable to the success of this blog. Finally, my heart is filled with gratitude to have this opportunity to share with all of you.
