Ralph Waldo Emerson, the famous essayist, lecturer and philosopher once eloquently stated, “the only person that you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”
Reminded of this quote, this morning I looked in the mirror and asked myself that very question, but with a twist. I’m almost sixty, so my query became “have you become the person you decided to be?”
Unlike the evil queen’s mirror on the wall, mine did not deliver a delusional message to stroke my needy ego. In my reflection, the answer was honest – Alison, you are the culmination of all your life’s choices.
And so upon further inspection, I reflect upon my journey of navigating choice. What have I chosen and why?
A few years into my now 38 years of marriage, a girlfriend pointed out that I was always walking on eggshells around my husband. It jarred me to my core. My husband came from a very controlling environment, and although he is extremely affectionate and has always made me feel loved; the urge to control is in his DNA. Because of my girlfriend’s helpful observation, I discovered I was a pathological enabler and accommodator of negative and toxic behavior. Not an uncommon character disorder for a daughter of an alcoholic.
I had indeed mastered the soul defying art of “eggshell walking” to keep peace at all costs. But with that revelation and having identified my role in an unhealthy aversion to confrontation – I decided from that day forward, this is not the person I want to be.
Having a heart that is an open door should not be mistaken for a doormat.
Inspired, I determined to educate myself on both the controlling and the enabling character disordered personality types. Feeling empowered and emboldened with enlightened understanding of both our “stuff” – I announced to my spouse that I would no longer be engaging in avoidance. I knew it was going to be tough and I would have to work really hard to change my natural inclinations to never “rock the boat” but I did in fact on that day decide the person I want to be.
Fortunately for me, he also engaged in introspection and self-reflection and apologized profusely for his controlling tendencies. We both cried together and determined to work hard to eliminate these relationship killing issues from our psyches – difficult but we both agreed so worth it to try.
Along with being more assertive and less accommodating, I decided I wanted to be an evolver, someone always willing to change my internal map, to be a better listener, to grow and be gracious.
Did Ralph Waldo Emerson’s philosophical assumption turn out to be true?
My answer is yes and no. Because what I discovered is none of these things would be a “once and for all” thing that I simply decide. Everything I want to be would actually require a daily decision, a choice to make, for the rest of my life.
So here is my personal revelation based on 59 years on the planet and feel free to quote me if this resonates with you.
“When we are intentional with our purpose, aware on our journey and mindful in our moments, we create the life we choose and CHOOSE the life we CREATE.”
The Zen Den
Hello and welcome to The Zen Den. My name is Alison and while I am passionate about many things, my most inspiring driving force is human connection. Blogger, content writer, orthopedic exercise specialist, motivational speaker, international yoga pro, published songwriter, avid poker player, mom and wife are just a few of my titles. But when I do my job at NASA, I am known simply as “The Fairy Zenmother” a role I deeply love because people invite me into their space to help them find their center, relax and stretch their muscles and destress their mind. Here in the blogosphere version of The Zen Den, I invite you into my world where I will explore ideas for creating a better tomorrow and a kinder today. And hopefully, with insight, authenticity and humor; my words, observations and experiences will help you feel calm, centered, intellectually challenged and spiritually enlightened. Alternatively, if you have something you would like to see covered in The Zen Den, just let me know. Your feedback is welcome and valuable to the success of this blog. Finally, my heart is filled with gratitude to have this opportunity to share with all of you.
