Her Voice

I placed my face as close as I could to her cheek. Although she was hovering between life and the ethereal passageway, I believed she could still hear my voice.

“Mom,” I whispered in her ear, “I hope you can hear me, momma you are my everything and I love you with all of my heart . . . I don’t want you to suffer anymore, I will be OK . . . you have given me so much, I am strong and independent and I will be fine, Mom, it’s OK for you to let go.”

I squeezed her hand and in that moment she let me know she could hear every word I was saying. Although I could tell it took every fiber in her cancer ravaged body, she found a way and opened her eyes and looked at me for a brief second.

It was the last time I would see her beautiful blue eyes and the greatest reassuring gift she could have given me in her last few hours on earth, a mother’s look of complete and utter love for her daughter.

My heart flooding with grief and sadness, I could no longer hold back the dam of my girded emotions. This was it. The strength I had needed to support her since her terminal diagnosis was no longer required. And so I let go . . . the floodgates opened and finally I allowed the pain of losing my soft place to fall, the one who filled my first nineteen years of life with unconditional love, the person who always made me feel beautiful, the one who gave me life and told me I was enough . . . to release.

The tears flowed like a river from my eyes wetting both of our faces and dampening her pillow . . .  “I love you momma, I love you so much . . .”

40 years have gone by and still, as crazy as this is, I wake up many mornings hearing her sing-songy voice say, “Wake up, Dearie Duck; it’s time to get ready for school!” It feels like a gift to me, filling my heart with joy and bringing a smile to my face.

Today was one of those special days. I woke up this morning thinking about her. While this “the most wonderful time of the year” triggered some darker childhood memories for her, she always endeavored to make lighter moments for us.  She loved Christmas music; Burl Ives singing “Silver and Gold”, Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas, the Harry Simeone Chorale’s “Go Tell It On The Mountain”, etc. Along with the smell of fresh pine from our silver tinsel covered real tree, these tunes are the memories I have savored and the “mom moments” I have treasured.

Helen Irene Stone, my mother, would have been 93 years old December 2. Like her, I have loved and enjoyed Christmas music my whole life . . . but this morning I realized her voice, which lights up my heart, is my favorite Christmas song.

The Zen Den

Hello and welcome to The Zen Den. My name is Alison and while I am passionate about many things, my most inspiring driving force is human connection. Blogger, content writer, orthopedic exercise specialist, motivational speaker, international yoga pro, published songwriter, avid poker player, mom and wife are just a few of my titles. But when I do my job at NASA, I am known simply as “The Fairy Zenmother” a role I deeply love because people invite me into their space to help them find their center, relax and stretch their muscles and destress their mind. Here in the blogosphere version of The Zen Den, I invite you into my world where I will explore ideas for creating a better tomorrow and a kinder today. And hopefully, with insight, authenticity and humor; my words, observations and experiences will help you feel calm, centered, intellectually challenged and spiritually enlightened. Alternatively, if you have something you would like to see covered in The Zen Den, just let me know. Your feedback is welcome and valuable to the success of this blog. Finally, my heart is filled with gratitude to have this opportunity to share with all of you.