“Valued”, I’m not sure why this word popped into my mind this morning. Perhaps it is the emotional leftovers after our beautiful, blended friends and family Thanksgiving. Maybe it is all the “love gathering” pictures streaming across my timeline, but here I sit, writing my thoughts for this week’s Zen Den post – and the word nagging at my thoughts and tugging at my soul is “valued.”
Do I feel valued? Do I make others feel valued? And furthermore, what does the action of valuing another look and feel like? Is it possible to truly love someone but fail to make them feel valued?
First, I must take a closer look at my own self. Do I feel valued? If I am honest, the answer is yes . . . for the most part.
I know the people who value me because they rarely miss an opportunity to reaffirm their appreciation for who I am. But that doesn’t mean each person in my life values me for the same reasons. For me, that has been the difficult thing to come to terms with – often the people I wish valued me for the woman I am today – only see me and value me for who I am to them and the role I have played in their life.
Beyond that fixed, non-evolving role, there is not much interest. That is one of those life truths I have come to accept, realizing I can’t give anyone else the desire to want to engage me in order to discover something new. For some people, interpersonal relationships are just not high on the priority list, and that is OK. I am learning to value them for things that aren’t in my wheelhouse
So then, I guess my next question is; “is it possible for someone to actually value another human being but never really find the words or actions to express it?” I have had experience answering this one.
After the funeral service for my Father-in-law (a man who was gregarious and personable according to all who knew him at his job but was emotionally distant and somewhat of a mystery at home), one by one his co-workers came up to me to express utter adulation. “Oh, you must be the daughter-in-law we have heard so much about.” What? My husband and I were completely astounded hearing the repeated praise. “He thought so highly of you, all your talents, your writing, the fact that you stay so fit and help senior citizens to be healthy . . . he was always singing your praises and he was so happy for his son.” To say my husband and I both were stunned would be an understatement.
Why? It turns out, while he was valuing me in his thoughts, he actually never expressed this to me or to his son. In fact, if anything, I mainly felt disapproved of, never quite reaching the epitome of what “the good wife” should be in his mind. I was wrong. Being old-school and coming from a time when men were taught not to show emotions due to fear of appearing weak, in that context, it all made sense. It was much more comfortable for him to praise me to others than it was to display vulnerability of expressing emotions to my face. I get it now.
It’s easy to look at others and judge, but what about me? Do I make people I know and love feel valued? God, I hope so. It is sort of my worst nightmare that in any way I would forget to convey to someone how truly important he or she is to me, that I would get so caught up in sharing my stuff in order to connect and relate, that I would actually miss the opportunity to just shut up and listen. Unfortunately, I’m a repeat offender and working on this one daily.
I am human and flawed. Knowing that I fail on a regular basis makes me keenly aware that my heart’s desire is to improve, grow and become a better human being whose actions reflect my heart. I understand doing so requires being present, not letting an opportunity pass to express words of appreciation, to send that sweet text, to acknowledge an accomplishment or simply to say, “You are so special to me. ”But I also believe simply expressing words of approval doesn’t necessarily translate into a feeling of being “valued” to someone else. That involves taking interest in you, asking questions, finding out how you think, what inspires you and what you are passionate about . . . connecting . . .valuing . . .truly getting to know who you are today, not just who I want you to be in my self-reflective mind.
With all the talk of “family values”, American values and all the other popular buzzwords we hear daily, perhaps we have gotten lost in the weeds of superficiality. Maybe it is time for us all to dig a little deeper, to go back to the roots of what connects us all . . .the desire to be known, heard, loved and indeed . . .”valued.” If I truly value you – I don’t want you to have to read my mind to know for sure. Life Goals . . .
The Zen Den
Hello and welcome to The Zen Den. My name is Alison and while I am passionate about many things, my most inspiring driving force is human connection. Blogger, content writer, orthopedic exercise specialist, motivational speaker, international yoga pro, published songwriter, avid poker player, mom and wife are just a few of my titles. But when I do my job at NASA, I am known simply as “The Fairy Zenmother” a role I deeply love because people invite me into their space to help them find their center, relax and stretch their muscles and destress their mind. Here in the blogosphere version of The Zen Den, I invite you into my world where I will explore ideas for creating a better tomorrow and a kinder today. And hopefully, with insight, authenticity and humor; my words, observations and experiences will help you feel calm, centered, intellectually challenged and spiritually enlightened. Alternatively, if you have something you would like to see covered in The Zen Den, just let me know. Your feedback is welcome and valuable to the success of this blog. Finally, my heart is filled with gratitude to have this opportunity to share with all of you.
