The way we speak to ourselves, handle stress, and care for ourselves may become the lessons our children carry into adulthood
When my girls were little, I thought parenting was mostly about teaching them to be kind, work hard, believe in yourself, stand up for yourself and others, and yes, all of this does 100% matter! I wanted to raise confident daughters, independent daughters, women who know their worth. I thought the lesson was in the conversations.
Now my daughters are 18 and 15, and I’ve realized something, the biggest lessons probably weren’t happening around the dinner table, they were happening on a normal Tuesday afternoon. They were and are watching how I handle stress, how I talk about getting older, the way I talk about my body, if I apologize for resting or call myself lazy if I am sitting down watching TV, they see how I treat others and talk to others, they see if I celebrate what my body can do or criticize how it looks. They’re watching all of it. Am I a judgmental, gossipy person about myself and others, do I criticize others and myself?
That realization has made me look at myself a little differently lately. The beginning of July I sat down with a journal and asked myself a question.
What is my nervous system most braced against right now?
Not to get too woo woo and sappy on you, but the answer surprised me because it wasn’t just one thing. I’m scared of getting older, I’m scared of watching my parents get older, I’m scared of one daughter leaving for college and the other daughter starting to drive, and how much our family is about to change, I’m scared how fast time is going by, I’m scared of being alone, I’m scared I was too stressed when they were little, I am worried if I was present enough, or did I take stress out on them, i am scared I didn’t try the hardest when I was raising them, I am scared even thinking, did I take my own parents for granite when I was growing up and was a bratty teen or kid.
When I really sat with those feelings, I noticed something else, the anxiety sits in my throat, the sadness lives in my stomach and I don’t think I’ve been avoiding those feelings as much as I’ve been trying to outrun them by staying busy, working, parenting, cleaning, checking the next thing off my list, because if I’m busy enough, maybe I don’t have to feel how much life is changing.
Saturday night I went with my youngest to this local outside shopping center to pick up dinner for us. She waited in the car and I ran to grab the food, there was a band playing and a lot of people outside watching, I noticed this old lady sitting by herself with her dog and I got so sad, I wondered did she have any friends or family or did she just want to be there by herself or maybe she was walking her dog and heard the band and wanted to just watch. But that really made me realize I do not like change and getting older.
The funny thing about change is that it keeps happening whether we’re ready or not. The last 3 months has been trying to teach me something, thank you chronic migraine disorder. I need to slow down, set better boundaries so I don’t lose my shit for a little thing, have more fun, and then I realized something, when was the last time I did something because it made me feel alive? Every time we are out of town on vacation we have fun, I let myself relax and enjoy myself. I don’t feel the need to be productive, or overly anxious worrying about the kids ( maybe because they are literally with me 24/7 when we are on vacay)
Somewhere along the way, I became really good at taking care of everyone else, really good at keeping the calendar organized, really good at showing up, and really good at carrying the invisible mental load that so many women carry.
What I haven’t been as good at is remembering that I’m still a person outside of motherhood and marriage. This is the part I don’t want my daughters to inherit. I don’t want them to grow up believing that being a woman means constantly putting yourself last and then scared to be alone when you’re old. I don’t want them to think rest has to be earned. I don’t want them to believe joy belongs at the bottom of the to-do list, I want them to see me laugh, I want them to see me take a walk because the weather is beautiful not because I need to get my steps in. I want them to hear me say, “I’m taking an hour for myself.”
I want them to know that growing older isn’t something to fear. It’s something to live.
One day they’ll be women in their forties, they’ll have responsibilities, people counting on them, maybe children of their own, and when that day comes, I hope they don’t only remember a mom who kept everything running, I hope they remember a woman who was fully alive, who rested before she reached burnout.
So while I have all these feelings all rolled into one, getting older, how fast time goes, was I too stressed, did they see me have fun and rest or burning the candle at both ends, I am reminded of two quotes –
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting old is like climbing a mountain; you get a little out of breath, but the view is much better!” – Ingrid Bergman
Nikki Lanigan
Nikki Lanigan is a yoga, HIIT, and Barre instructor, she is also a Holistic Health Coach through Institute of Integrative Nutrition. Nikki is trained in Yoga Shred, Yoga Psychology, meditation, chakra balancing, and EFT/Tapping. She has done trainings with Sadie Nardini and Ashley Turner. She got her 200 hour yoga teacher training in 2017 at the Carrie Treister School Of Yoga. Nikki takes a holistic view of health, helping her students and clients reach a place of self-love not just through movement, but with mindset and lifestyle guidance as well. Nikki is also show prep writer for The McVay Media Show Prep and host of the podcast Fit, Fun, and Frazzled. Connect with Nikki on Instagram. www.instagram.com/nikkilanigan.yogaandwellness www.instagram.com/fitfunandfrazzledpodcast
